Platonic friendships: Can men and women really just be friends?

When it comes to this burning question, there are all sorts of views, some may even have an anecdote to share. In the 1989 movie, “When Harry Met Sally”, the writer Nora Ephron was exploring the exact question, “Can men and women be friends?” According to Harry (played by Billy Crystal), men and women can’t be friends “because the sex part always gets in the way.”

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

Oscar Wilde

Firstly I’d like to note that I am referring mostly to deep, connected friendships between both a heterosexual man and woman and not the casual and circumstantial interactions that happen between people in groups of friends or work colleagues.

From an evolutionary standpoint, men and women were never meant to be friends in the first place. Many leading philosophers claim that the entire purpose of life is to reproduce and pass on your genes. Although this statement is controversial and debatable, we can all agree that our basic instinct is to survive and reproduce.

“If I had the chance, I would smash”

There’s a reason why cross-sex friendships tend to make a significant other feel jealous or threatened. Even if it isn’t said outright, sometimes you can feel tension in the air or glaring eyeballs burning into your skin. Trust me, I know! At this point, I’d expect someone to comment and say, “Oh but if someone’s jealous of a cross-sex friendship, then that’s down to their own insecurities!” — sure, I don’t disagree with this statement. You do find many individuals in relationships while simultaneously still healing from old wounds or unable to let go of past trauma which can create these negative feelings towards the “friend”. However let’s be real… there is a risk that in cross-sex friendships, one or the other will develop sexual attraction, and possibly feelings over time. It’s just how human nature works, but it doesn’t always happen.

Bear in mind that just because your friend is sexually attracted to you, it doesn’t mean they will necessary act upon it. Either they will keep it hidden from you or confess to you when they get the courage to do so. In the past, I’ve had one great friendships fizzle out because he chose to admit his feelings for me… it was pretty awkward and a shock to say the least. After I told him the feelings were’t mutual, he started backing off and our friendship unfortunately never went back to normal. I really hoped he’d be fine over time, but he clearly wasn’t. I reached out a few times to see how he was, and although he would respond (short, blunt answers), I realised our friendship was pretty much dead in the water. 🙁

I have many male friends, and it’s not by choice. I’ve always naturally found that we have more common interests, the same humour, a similar outlook on life and I appreciate that they’re all straight up, no bullshit kind of people. That’s not to say my girls aren’t!

Here’s a confession… I had a little thing with one of my good guy friends about 9 years ago… it was a while back and we were young, but I definitely don’t see him in that way at all. There’s no emotional attachment and it’s certainly the same from his side. He’s a good looking dude and we’ll joke about the past if it ever comes into conversation (rarely!) but it’s never impacted our friendship. These days we’ll talk about life and even offer each other dating/relationship advice!

There’s a couple guys I’m close with who I’ve known since primary school and we literally have a brother/sister type of bond, nothing more, nothing less. I’ve been to their house, I know their parents, siblings and vice versa. And I really value those long-lasting friendships.

With some of the other fellas, they have openly told me that if they had the chance, they would “smash”. Does it bother me? No. Does it affect our friendship? No. I’ve always set and maintained boundaries and I don’t entertain flirtatious behaviour for sake of an ego boost or anything. I draw the line and they know that. I’ve joined in on a “lads holiday” and taken a trip with just one of them in the past. Nothing happened — we slept in separate rooms, partied together, dined together and soaked up the sun by the pool. All amazing holidays! Ultimately, I believe we all have a high degree of maturity which allows our cross-sex friendship to be really lovely, fun and wholesome.

Woman please

When my guy friends get into relationships, I respect the boundary and tend not to invite them out one-on-one. I also decrease the calls, texts, cut the explicit chats about sex, etc. — I just know that their partners wouldn’t appreciate it. Likewise I would feel the same if the roles were reversed. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t want their partner to feel uncomfortable or feel like I’m getting in between them. Funnily enough my friend recently admitted that his ex wasn’t a fan of me, 😆 she thought I was “going after” him. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Woman please.

I do get it though, I used to be in a relationship with a guy who was always chatting to his female friends. If we went to an occasion/event, all these chicks would be hugging him, constantly floating around him, giving him that little “playful” stroke on the arm. He ended up being a cheat anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ so yes I get it!

So… can men and women really just be friends?

I do believe it’s possible… with a few caveats here and there. Sometimes you grow up as childhood friends and it simply remains that way. In other cases you build friendships overtime, and if it so happens that one develops feelings or the “sex part” gets in the way (and it’s not reciprocated) then by all means, a line needs to be drawn. From my experience, this “line” usually come from the woman. This is where boundaries must be put in place. I’ll leave you with some final points to think about.

BE EXPLICIT WITH THEM
It’s important that you’re clear on why you are friends with them. If the motivation is not platonic, then be honest with yourself and admit that you are attracted to this person. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a friendship with them, but it will help to acknowledge the attraction you feel and know your limits in awkward situations.

EASE UP ON THE TOUCHY FEELY-NESS
Rein it in so you don’t give the other person the wrong idea. At the same time, don’t entertain it if they start getting all touchy-feely with you. A hello/goodbye hug is okay, but shoulder rubs, thigh grabs, hair stroking… well! 👀

SHARING THE SAME BED… REALLY???
You know, I was reading up on this… and perhaps I’m an old skool kinda gal but apparently cross-sex friends sharing the same bed is fairly normal? I never realised that and don’t get it. I’ve never shared the same bed with any of my guy friends and wouldn’t want to! How awkward! Personally, I wouldn’t suggest this.

BE AWARE OF EACH OTHER’S SITUATION
When a boyfriend or girlfriend enters the scene then it’s probably time to take a step back. It’s not worth treading on someone else’s toes. Acting accordingly is the respectable thing to do, the last thing you want to do is cause conflict!

Does size really matter? Time to break it down…

I know, I know. It’s an old, classic question but it doesn’t make it any less relevant right?
So let’s start with a bit of context…

Why does our culture make such a big deal about the size?

For years we’ve place so many unrealistic body standards on both men and women. Where size is concerned, the importance doesn’t just stem from the increased exposure of social media or all those articles you read online. In fact, porn also has a big part to play in this. We see men with oversized, monster penises — obviously not what the average size looks like! In the same vein, women are shown with large breasts, hairless vaginas, and figures that are impossible to attain without surgery. While we’re bombarded with body-pressure from all mediums telling us how and what to do to be “perfect”, it sets up expectations that are difficult, if not impossible to meet. This in turn causes an extremely problematic, toxic environment that can lead to body dissatisfaction and low self-esteem.

In modern society, penis size fuels masculinity, virility, power and dominance; it would be fair to say that the stigma around size is wrapped up in the male ego. If one isn’t well hung, then he’s less of a man. A number of studies have shown that men are, by nature, more competitive than women; and after speaking to a handful of my phallic friends, it seems that many males are concerned about whether or not they size up. These are absurd ways to consider manhood. In fact, many don’t actually know how to use their tool because they’ve been taught that being well endowed is the only thing that matters. Which brings me to my next point…

My view & personal experience

Size is definitely not a huge factor for me. In fact, I’d go as far to say that size is overrated! There are more important aspects; for example, I’d rather choose girth and stamina over length. I’ve gone from “Damn son!” (almost 8 inches) to your Average Joes (5/6 inches) to shorter, pencil-looking dicks (4 inches) — and from my experience, the sexual eye candy of a penis makes no difference. You could have a massive trouser snake and be pretty shit in bed. Also as a quick FYI – the average vagina is about 4 to 7 inches deep. So you can only put so much in when it comes to XXL anyway, it goes to show that a big dick can be limiting, after all.

Personally I found the 5/6 inchers were by far the best performers but once again, that’s not just based on size. Factors such as sexual chemistry, confidence, communication, being creative and high sex drive count for a lot. You also need to consider the type of person attached to the meat; if you’re having sex with a considerate person that can go to town on you in ways other than penetration, then trust me, size doesn’t matter! However, if your lover is selfish, lazy, unimaginative and lasts for a couple minutes during each session then yes, that’s a disaster… with a small penis! Do you get my drift here?

Anyway, bear in mind this is my own opinion — it can vary from person to person. Some women might find big dicks a turn-on but I would say the key thing is about how it’s used and where you can excel in other areas, because intercourse is just one part of sex. The overall picture encompasses so much more than this simple measure. My verdict: Bigger is not necessarily better.

Research says

A Google search on this topic returned an extensive amount of content with varied answers — there are some self-proclaimed “size queens”, some have said that there is such a thing as “too big”, and others say that size doesn’t really matter at all, as long as stamina, girth, chemistry, or oral sex skills are up there… I hear ya ladies, but I thought it would be interesting to find out what the scientists and their research had to say on this matter…

According to a study published in the British Journal of Urology, the research found that when it comes to penis size, 85 percent of women are just fine with what their partner has. In fact, the people who seem to be the most concerned with penis size were men! Around 45 percent of men felt they owned a small penis; and it is generally believed that the average penis is 6 inches long. Sadly this misleading, distorted perception has triggered anxiety and impacted self-confidence.

Taken from multiple studies, here are some quick stats on the average penis size:

Flaccid length average = 2.8 to 3.9 inches
Erect length average = 4.7 to 6.3 inches
Flaccid circumference or girth average = 3.5 to 3.9 inches
Erect circumference or girth average = around 4.7 inches


Further research conducted by Porterback Clinic and Royal Hallamshire Hospital in Sheffield and St. James’ Hospital in Leeds, found that women attached some importance to penis size; and it was only of “substantial” importance to a “clear minority” of the women. And while most of men’s worries about penis size centred on the length, about 90 percent of women actually preferred a wide penis to a long one. The data also revealed that size was much lower down the list of priorities for women.

The truth is that 75 percent of women cannot reach orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Sure, the feeling that comes with being penetrated can be enjoyable, but it rarely provides the big O. And how is that usually achieved? Clitoral stimulation — and that’s true regardless or whether you’re packing a gherkin or a firehose.

Conclusion

And there we have it! Here are the key takeaways from today’s post:

1. More men than women are bothered about penis size.
2. Small, average or large — neither are dealbreakers.
3. Variables such as girth, stamina and skill takes precedence over length.
4. Average length when erect ranges between 4.7 to 6.3 inches.
5. Great sex has less to do with penis size, and requires more than just penetration.


In the grand scheme of things, we often have warped images of ourselves, so fellas if you’re reading this, don’t let penis insecurity sabotage your potential for having confident, fulfilling and overwhelmingly hot sex. Don’t become consumed by penis size, you can be a satisfying sexual partner regardless of the size of your penis. And if you want to please your partner, just ask them what they enjoy, and how you can help them have the best time ever!

COVIDiares: From quranteasing to pandemic pleasing

If you’re an avid reader of my blog then you’ll know that I started COVID-eo dating a guy that I met on Hinge back around mid-March (here is the post for reference.) Nine weeks in I wrote another piece giving a quick update on how things were going and bringing to light some of my “what if” questions in advance of us (eventually) meeting face to face. It’s now been just over 3 months, so with lockdown eased up and 12 video dates later… you better believe we finally met in the flesh! Hurrah!

It’s been an interesting journey so far, particularly with the video dating aspect as that was completely new territory for me. Sharing a similar story with many others, lockdown introduced a shift in the dating landscape where users had to turn towards platforms such as FaceTime or Zoom in order to connect with potentials. While some may have found it awkward or simply put their dating lives on pause, I found the experience to be very enjoyable and fulfilling. I certainly didn’t expect to be “dating” anyone during lockdown, let alone for so many weeks! My initial thought was that perhaps I’d have a couple of video dates before it gradually fizzling out.

Recap

From the get go I noticed straight away that our conversations naturally flowed with lots of laughter. Our dates quickly became a weekly thing, we were both comfortable and I found myself feeling more at ease with him as the weeks went by. It was nice to see his personality shine through via video, I felt like I managed to get a lot more out of this method of communication as opposed to messaging or a phone call; the interactions and facial expressions made a huge difference in building this connection. Another thing I appreciated was how open we were with each other; by sharing thoughts on how our date went, what we enjoyed and what we liked about each other — it was helpful to know that we were on the same page. The most impressive part above all, was the consistent effort put in from both sides, not only did we have our once-a-week dates but there was plenty of chit chat, banter and silly games in-between. It’s fair to say that he made lockdown a little more bearable for me.

First (not video) date

Our first date took place last Tuesday and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling slightly nervous beforehand (and I’m not usually the nervous type!) No doubt it was more nerves of excitement than anything else. I mean with 3 months worth of build up and anticipation of seeing each other (especially during the last couple of weeks), the suspense was killing me slowly. In the back of my mind, I was confident that there’d be no awkwardness nor would we be any different to how we were over our Zoom calls. We were lucky to have sunshine for our park “drinkies” date (it rained for the rest of the week) so I kept my outfit fairly casual, I chucked on a t-shirt, skirt, trainers and my oversized glam sunglasses. 😎

I arrived at the meeting spot a few minutes earlier and dropped him a message… eeeek! The funniest part was when he messaged back saying he was couple of minutes away and asked me to send my location. Not long after, I noticed a little old man following Google Maps on his phone, heading directly towards me! Hahaha! Just so you know, that wasn’t him! But the next guy walking towards me definitely was! I had a quick scan of his outfit (standard procedure): casual check shirt, black jeans and vans — yeah, he got my stamp of approval for his park ensemble ✅ As he walked towards me, I couldn’t help but laugh, it felt kinda bizarre…in a positive way!

Getting our flirt on

Now I’m gonna to be straight and say that we broke the social distancing rules! I don’t think it even occurred to us because we went in for a hug and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. You know how I mentioned us being comfortable during our Zoom calls? It felt exactly the same except this time there was no laptop screen between us. We started chatting and I was tempted to link onto his arm… although on second thought, it was probably a bold move to make so early on! Didn’t want him to think I was a weirdo 🙈 Once we found a nice spot, I could feel the chemistry between us which wasn’t surprising as we’d been quite flirty during our dates. With so much eye contact, laughter and a few touchy feely moments… it seemed like we just clicked. Within an hour and a few G&Ts later, we were sat so ridiculously close together to the point where I thought “fuck it” and went in for a snuggle. At one point during our date, he was lying down on his front so I could crack his back 😂 Yeah I don’t know where that randomly came from… Anyway! Things turned up a notch as we placed a bet; basically if I lost then I had to give him a kiss (oldest trick in the book!) Firstly I’ll have you know that I won the bet. He’ll tell you otherwise because he’s a soo competitive. Either way, I wanted that kiss so was willing to take the “loss”. FYI – he’s a great kisser!

With all the fun and games going on; there was one thing we didn’t think through… public toilets! They were all bloody closed. I’m still confused about it until this day. Why do that? After dragging the poor guy around in circles, feeling confident that at least one set of toilets would be open, I was very wrong… and far from impressed. Luckily for him, he did his thing in a bush — that’s one advantage to having a penis. Unfortunately I wasn’t planning to water any plants so I made us Uber over to my sisters house, thank God she didn’t live too far and he probably thought I was such a diva at this point.

Hehe ;D

We continued on with our date at a local park and popped open the bottle prosecco we had left 🥂🍾 Up until the sun went in, we chilled, people watched, conversed and weren’t hiding the fact that we were checking each other out… a lot. Considering no restaurants or bars were open, he offered to make me dinner at his. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t think his only intention was to get me into bed.

After whipping up a meal with a glass of wine each we continued chatting. Eventually he swooped in and made the move. The kisses were fiery, I felt his hands running from my waist and up my skirt. As we continued kissing, he lifted me up and put me on the dining table. We were ready to go for it, however I wasn’t about to have sex on the table with his flatmate in the house! So we moved things into the bedroom and to be honest, for our first sex session, I had no complaints whatsoever. Them broad shoulders though, the strong facial hair, with a dominant streak and good balance of aggression and gentleness. I’d describe him as a proper manly man — in general and under the sheets. I ended up staying the night but we didn’t get much sleep. 😏

Discovering each other on an intimate level, showing each other’s bedroom tricks as well as having those cute, affectionate post-sex moments, the little kisses, the snuggles, the stroking, the spooning — it was all pleasurable. The next day we both had work so after some morning cuddles followed by intense sex I had to head off early but if we could have stayed in bed together, there’d be no question about it.

Second date?

Overall, the “first” date was memorable. Believe it or not, we’ve already had our second date involving coffee, a stroll with a few hugs and kisses. The lockdown phase put us in a position where we had to make the best out of an unusual situation. Personally speaking, I think having those 12 weeks to build a connection without the physical side of things was a blessing in disguise. I was quite guarded and slightly judgemental towards him at first but as I got to know him on a deeper level, I found him even more attractive in personality and appearance. I guess we were fortunate enough to have gotten along really well from day one, I’m particularly pleased that our virtual dates had translated in real life. From what I’ve witnessed so far, he seems like a really sound guy so I’ll have to see what happens! I promise to keep you posted folks!

Love, lust or attachment?

With 80 billion cells and various chemicals in our brain, it’s no wonder why feelings and emotions are so hard to decipher. I’m sure we’ve all experienced a time when we’ve met someone and felt instantly drawn to them. It’s common to feel a variety of sensations including nervousness, excitement, an adrenaline rush, anxiety, an increased heartbeat and so on. Sometimes the “sparkle” of a new relationship in your life can be overwhelming; causing your judgements to be clouded. There’ll be a certain point where the mind starts throwing up all sorts of questions like: Should I give 100% to this individual? Do they feel the same? Is it more than just attraction? Is there potential for longterm commitment? Is this person a “nice to have” because I’m bored?


Assuming we have those questions figured out, and things develop even further… are we then entering the territory of love, lust or attachment? How do we differentiate between the three? Personally speaking, I believe I’ve felt lust before, I’ve also felt attachment (in a rather unhealthy way), and both are a type of high that are not just addictive but consume a lot of your mental space. If I were to briefly summarise the two experiences, I’d say:

LUST
Is impulsive, obsessive and surface-level; it offers immediate gratification thus short lived. When you’re lusting after someone, you’ll find yourself in fantasyland. The infatuation begins to takes over to the point where you start ignoring things… including red flags! With lust, we project what we want to see rather than the reality of the person and situation. This is exactly what I went through during a rebound.

ATTACHMENT
Is actually more about yourself than the other person, though it might not seem like it in the moment. It leaves no allowance for vulnerability. It’s convenient, pleasure seeking, requires constant reassurance and eventually drains the living soul out of you because in the end, it’s just a power struggle game. The aim is to keep the person there for as long as possible to fill a void, whether it be boredom, loneliness, etc. Unfortunately as humans, we’re wired to get attached to ideas/people/things very quickly because ultimately it’s what we think will complete us and fulfil our needs. I could go much deeper into this subject but I think I’ll save it for a rainy day!

LOVE
Well I can’t really speak on “being in love” as I don’t think I’ve experienced it in full force as such but in one of my others posts “Love, Sex & Magic”, I collaborated with a fellow blogger and discuss what I believe it to be. Whilst we’re on the subject, I wanted to highlight an interesting study led by Helen Fisher from Rutgers University on the science behind love. There are some key takeaways from her model suggesting that there are various overlaps as well as subtleties between the three ‘strands of love’, all uniquely characterised by their own set of neurotransmitters and the release of specific hormones during each stage, these are:

Lust – Testosterone and oestrogen
Attraction – Dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin
Attachment – Oxytocin and vasopressin

While love can start off with any of these three feelings, ie. people have sex first and then fall in love, some fall in love then have sex, some feel deeply attached to someone they’ve known for a while then eventually fall in love — the brain’s system can be tricky. Having sex increases dopamine in the brain and can push you over the threshold toward falling in love. With an orgasm, a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin pumps into the brain, giving you feelings of attachment. Where casual sex is concerned, as much as we like to convince ourselves otherwise, it isn’t always casual. In fact, those who engage in “hooking up”, do it to unconsciously trigger feelings of romance and attachment. The bottom line: sexual intimacy can trigger a host of powerful feelings. This is why we can become so confused internally when it comes to matters of the heart.

Fisher explains that romantic love is composed of attachment, attraction, and lust. As they emit a different combination of chemicals from the brain, it is impossible to experience real love without a blend of all three. When we do experience this love, one of the central ideas is that romantic love is a drive much stronger than the sex drive. A few signs of “romantic drive” are as follows:

1. You begin to think your love interest is unique. You also experience the inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else. This single-mindedness results from elevated levels of central dopamine, increasing attention and focus.

2. Your overall outlook in life seems significantly more positive. You’ll frequently catch yourself daydreaming about the other person. Trivial events and objects will instantly remind you of them.

3. People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their partner, feeling the other person’s pain as their own and being willing to make sacrifices for the other.

4. Emotional intimacy is one the biggest factors that sets love apart from the attraction or lust you feel in the early days of dating. When you open up to your partner and become more vulnerable, it shows that you may very well be heading in the direction of love.

5. Oxytocin increases feelings of safety and calmness. When the initial nerves/anxiety are replaced with contentment, it could be a sign you’ve gone from infatuation to love. 

6. Lastly, when you’re in love, you start including your partner in all your future plans. You’ll start considering your significant other when it comes to making big life decisions simply because you want them to be there for it all.


It’s evident our human brains are a minefield; emotions are no doubt complex to decode. Nonetheless it’s important to remember that whether you’re in early stages of a relationship or happily settled down, we at times forget to prioritise ourselves. It’s easy to get wrapped up by someone and driven by forces outside of our conscious awareness, so do check in with yourself to ensure your situation isn’t having a negative impact on your mental and physical wellbeing.

One Q&A + two sassy bloggers = love, sex and magic.

Happy weekend everyone! Hope you’re enjoying the beautiful weather (Londoners) albeit windy! As if it wasn’t hot enough already this week… I’m here to crank the heat up a notch or two with my very first (and very spicy) collaboration! Yessss this a Bank Holiday Special! So before I dive in, I want quickly give a shout out to my fellow blogger, sexpert and orgasm lover, the bold and beautiful soul behind TheDatingShitShow. I’ll warn you now, her content is not for the faint hearted! In short, she takes you on a personal journey with a strong emphasis on female sexual empowerment, essentially you’ll see her life through a “steamy” lens. The underlying message is to encourage women to embrace pleasure, erotic energy and explore your deep desires. Check it out if you have 5 mins to spare 🙂

As for context on how this collaboration came about, we literally met through Instagram like… last week! She dropped me a message and it pretty much took off from there. The fact that we’re both passionate about self-expression, have similar writing tones, are huge fans of Sex and the City (Samantha Jones obvs!) and of course share comparable dating experiences; it just made sense to come together, hone in on our areas of interest and produce a fun and exciting joint blog post to share with our readers.

Between the two of us, we conjured up 8 extremely deep, intimate, daring questions. The type that most people would not typically discuss in such a public domain! It’s a good thing we’re not “most people” then, because here we are… two sassy bloggers + one hot and heavy Q&A piece. We touch on love, heartbreak, sex and porn! So without further ado…


DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Damsel in Dating Distress
I used to think so but looking back I’m not entirely convinced. The one time I think I experienced “being in love” was with my first boyfriend. I was 16 at the time, together for 3 years so fairly young and naive. I went through all the emotions that you would associate with romantic love. Feeling like you’re on cloud nine, the immediate excitement of seeing or speaking to them, having that person on your mind throughout the day, placing the other person’s needs before your own, imagining the rest of your life with them, being blind to everything else around you, being literally inseparable. In hindsight I realised it was just a heavily codependent relationship. Maybe my “teenage love” was nothing more than an attachment, but not the healthy kind.

Dating Shit Show
The first time I fell in love was with my university boyfriend and we were together for 4 years. He taught me what love should be like and showed me how to love, without conditions. I would say I’ve been in love a handful of times throughout my life, young love, puppy love, dependent love. We learn a lot about ourselves when we fall in love, sometimes it blinds us, sometimes it breaks our heart and then teaches us to be a little less naive.

IF YES, CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE FEELING AND EXPERIENCE? IF NOT, WHAT DO YOU THINK LOVE IS?

Damsel in Dating Distress
I think many of us tend to get confused between, love, lust and attachment. I’ll save my deep dive for a separate post but in essence, love should feel steady and secure. It involves commitment, vulnerability, mutual trust, and acceptance. It’s a feeling and emotion that grows over time through getting to know a person, while also experiencing high and low moments together. Love should hold a more balanced perspective; when together your energies should complement each other whilst allowing for the ability to maintain a life of your own. I’m yet to experience this high level version of love.

Dating Shit Show
Love is beautiful and intimate. The first time I fell in love I learned what love has the potential to be. Love is about bringing out the best in another person and giving your best to another person. Nourishing and encouraging each other to be the best possible version of yourselves. I don’t fall in love very easily, but when I do I fall deeply.

WHAT WAS YOUR WORST EXPERIENCE OF HEARTBREAK?

Damsel in Dating Distress
Not surprisingly, it was with my first boyfriend. The overall heartbreak was a build up of many painful, infuriating moments over time. It started off with his controlling, double standard behaviour where I was told to stop hanging out and speaking to my guy friends. Dictating what I could and couldn’t wear. The verbal and physical bust ups. The lying and cheating. We went through a break up/make up vicious cycle which involved manipulation, mind games and eventually led to the real break up which was just horrid. I cried for about 3 months, lost my appetite and felt a huge void. Thinking back, I cannot imagine putting myself through mental and physical turmoil for a man (!) or anyone for that fact! Being young, having your first relationship and going through a rollercoaster of emotions (never experienced before) was tough. The aftermath of trust issues, paranoia, anger, insecurity, etc. took its toll on me for a good few years, consequently causing damage to my other relationships. Thankfully time allows you to grow, mature, heal, learn and self discover.

Dating Shit Show
I dated a guy for 4 years during my twenties. I moved to a small town where everything and everyone was new. We started dating and I fell in love. It wasn’t what love should be. It was full of resentment, lying and disrespect. He ended the relationship over text after 4 years, started dating someone new a week later, then had me fired from my job. LOL. This was my “rock bottom” heartbreak, the one where you feel as though you’ve been shit on. It took me a while to get over the relationship. but I believe this heartbreak is one of the reasons I am as strong and badass as I am today. That breakup taught me to never give someone else so much control over my feelings and it taught me that love shouldn’t complete any part of me or my life, it should add something extraordinary to an already amazing life.

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX LIKE?

Damsel in Dating Distress
Yeah it wasn’t bad. We had spoken about it in advance and (us being clueless teenagers) kinda “choreographed” what was going to happen, from foreplay to the actual moment! It happened in my house, on my bed. I don’t remember every detail (it was a while ago) but I know we were both nervous. The nerves certainly got to him more than me (I suspect this is common for guys) because it took us a couple of tries which added even more pressure on him – slightly awkward! We got there in the end and it’s kind of what you’d expect for a first time ; a bit of uncertainty, a little clumsy, slow but nevertheless enjoyable. I’m that the experience was shared with a boyfriend, it made everything more intimate and special.

Dating Shit Show
My first time was beautiful. I was very fortunate and I chose well. He was a chef in a restaurant I was working in. He was a little older than me and a lot more responsible. I was in such a hurry to have sex for the first time and he encouraged me to slow down and not to rush such a big thing. My first time was sweet and romantic and unforgettable in all the right ways.

WHAT’S A SUREFIRE WAY TO TURN YOU ON?

Damsel in Dating Distress
There’s a list but here’s the shortened version:

1. Confidence, respect, wit and assertiveness – Nothing beats a man with a strong presence. If he is self-assured with gentlemanly traits, I’m hooked in.
2. Strong arms and broad shoulders – I find it very attractive as it makes the guy appear more masculine and domineering.
3. Aggression/submission in bed – hair pulling, neck grabbing, back scratching, nail digging, against the wall, over the table! 😀
4. Men in sweats (preferably grey) and topless – This look makes me clench my fist and bite it! It’s the way the sweats outline his manhood.
5. Physical affection/heaving flirting/teasing – I thoroughly enjoy getting a guys mind going!

Dating Shit Show
Hmm, I would say there’s a few surefire ways. My top 3 would be…

1. A guy with confidence – A guy who knows himself, knows what he’s about, knows what he wants in life and isn’t afraid to go after it.
2. Sexual dominance – A guy who knows how to take charge in the bedroom gets me pretty wet. One that isn’t afraid to put me in my place.
3. Passion – I need a lover who is passionate about sex and connection and passionate about giving me multiple orgasms.

Some other things would be… man buns, big hands, sexy arms, broad shoulders, sexy chocolate lovers, sensuality, presence, connection, chemistry, a guy who knows his way around a clitoris, good kissers, an ass that looks good enough to eat and those sexy ass V lines.

WHAT WOULD BE YOUR SEXUAL FANTASY RIGHT THIS MINUTE?

Damsel in Dating Distress
Hahaha! I’m literally laughing out loud as I type this because there is a certain someone that comes to mind. First of all I would get him to cook a full-on roast dinner for me (as my belated birthday present) after that we’d uber over to a secret and private location (that comes with a hot tub on the balcony and skyline view of London). It’d be an evening full of deep conversations, lots of laughter, being silly, flirty, wine, a bit of weed, hot tubbing, games and plenty rounds of passionate sex. There’d be no sleep until early hours of the morning.

Dating Shit Show
After 6 weeks alone in quarantine I think any form of sex would be a fantasy right now. But my biggest sexual fantasy at the moment is an MMF threesome. I love dick, so a double dick fantasy would do me nicely right now. But mainly right now, I need a good weekend full of instabiable, uninterrupted sex.

WHAT WAS YOUR WORST SEXPERIENCE?

Damsel in Dating Distress
I can think of two occasions… but the worst was a rebound from one of my relationships. Sure he was attractive but unfortunately that’s all he had going for him!

1. He was very, very sweaty! Having face drip like a tap on me is never gonna do it.
2. Performing like a rabbit on speed is also not it!
3. The size! I feel a little bad because normally I’d say it’s how you use your tool; but he had some shortcomings (pun intended). Having a decent looking penis would of been his lifeline. Sadly, short pencil penises aren’t crowdpleasers.

Dating Shit Show
Hmmm I’ve had a few. Top disasters would be:

1. The guy who faked a phonecall to get out of giving me oral
2. The guy who made the strangest noise when he came
3. The guy who refused to give me oral because he couldn’t get hard

WHAT KIND OF PORN DID YOU LAST WATCH?

Damsel in Dating Distress
Porn!? It’s been years! But does going to a sex peep show in Amsterdam count? Right, so I paid €5 or something like that to watch drugged-up-looking couples have sex on a rotating platform. There were about 6 different “shows” going on at once, each having 4 rooms where you go in and have a “peep” at the action. You witness the usual positions, oral, anal and some kinky shit involving bondage… and that’s literally it. I didn’t quite get it, I wasn’t impressed but was interesting to say the least!

Dating Shit Show
Anal porn. It’s usually at the top of my most viewed. Tushy is one of my favourite porn channels, although they need to upload some new material, I think I watched it all during quarantine. I’ve also been watching some MMF threesome porn, for research purposes 😉


With this piece I wanted my responses to be raw and completely transparent so I hope that was delivered! To some readers who know me… I’m sorry haha! I guess you’ve really gotten to know me now. 🙊

I’ve always said social media comes with its pros and cons, however this is one example where I’ve seen a real positive. Since I started taking my blog seriously, I’ve already noticed the fruits of my labour. It’s rewarding knowing that my content resonates with others in the dating/relationship community. The connections I’m making are so valuable. The conversations and feedback I’ve had not only inspire me but also helps with ideas and direction.

It was a real pleasure (excuse the pun) to team up TheDatingShitShow. Thanks again girl, I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope we can collaborate on another piece in future! 💕

Let’s talk about sex baby…

There’s a reason why Salt-N-Pepa’s song, “Let’s Talk About Sex” was a major hit. To my surprise however, only a quarter of us are happy talking about what goes on in the bedroom – this was a finding from a recent survey conducted by eharmony.

As I’ve highlighted in my previous posts, communication is one of the foundations to having a happier and stable relationship. Whether it’s discussing what to cook for lunch, current affairs or sharing a work anecdote; there’s one topic that shouldn’t be neglected… and that’s sex!

Physical intimacy is important because it’s considered one of the most crucial methods of displaying affection. So having an open and honest dialogue regarding bedroom antics needs just as much attention as any other aspect of a relationship.

Sure the sex talk doesn’t always translate so seamlessly into comfortable conversations but the main thing is to keep it casual and help each other feel at ease. When you shy away from these vital conversations, yes you’ll avoid a bit of awkwardness… but you’re also setting yourself up for pretty average sex – and let’s face it, that’s no fun!

The only words you should be saying in bed are dirty ones.”

SATC, Samantha Jones

Before and after you get beneath the sheets… try opening up about your needs and desires. Trust me, your sex life will reap the benefits if you know what you like and how you like it. So where do you start? Well, in this blog post I’d like to share some tips on how to make sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as possible.

“Slow down, I just wanna get to know you.” – Bobby Valentino
During the early-ish stages of dating, you want to try and bring the topic of sex into conversation. Not necessarily on the first few dates (that can be a bit off putting… unless sex is what you’re after) but wait until you’re feeling confident, that connection between you is strong and that your relationship naturally seems to be moving in the right direction. Get some clarity on some of the obvious questions first like: Do they seem genuine? Are they good fun? Are you sexually attracted to them? Is there chemistry?

If all goes well and you’re comfortably getting your flirt on; you’ll want to turn things up a notch or two by throwing in some sexual innuendos. Chances are, they’ll reciprocate. And that’s your sign you’ll be heading over to the bedroom soon! With that in mind, this is the point where you might want to have a quick chat about whether they’re planning to sleep with others, what contraception will be used, boundaries, even when they were last tested (and vice versa of course). Don’t shy away from these topics!

“You make it so good I don’t wanna leave, but I gotta, know what-what’s your fantasy!” – Ludacris
X-rated daydreams, sexual fantasies. There shouldn’t be any shame in having these or sharing it with your partner/lover. Personally I think the aspect of emotional intimacy in a relationship can be incredibly sexy. Having a close enough bond where you’re able to reveal and share each other’s naughty secrets introduces a vibrant and exciting side to the bedroom routine. And if you’re both willing to bring some of those fantasies to life then that’s awesome because trying new things also means building trust.

You might feel apprehensive about having any kind of sexual discussion, let alone sharing such thoughts. But whether it’s a concern around how you might sound or how your partner might react to it, remember that expressing our fantasies – whether we act on them or not – is just a way to introduce novelty into our sex lives. If your partner feels worried or offended, then reassurance is important! Besides, the conversation wouldn’t be happening unless you felt comfortable enough to reveal your deepest desires to them. It’s all about upping your level of intimacy at the end of the day.

“Give me a sign… hit me baby one more time!” – Britney Spears
No one is a mind reader. If you don’t feel like having sex because you’re feeling hideous, you’re tired or you’ve just had a shitty day at work and want to relax then tell them that. There’s nothing worse than pushing someone away or having half-hearted sex, your partner will only feel rejected. Equally, if you are getting some action then you should be open about what you want to do in the session(s): hitting it from behind, getting on top, going down, going fast, slow… whatever tickles your fancy – make sure you’re voicing your thoughts. Sexual pleasure shouldn’t always be a one sided thing.

“Are you mad ’cause I’m asking you 21 questions?” – 50 Cent feat. Nate Dogg
A healthy relationship is one where partners feel listened to and respected. In terms of sex, it’s a good idea to ask questions. Examples include: What is their favourite thing about sex? What would they like to do more of? Is there anything they’d like to try? What turns them on? You don’t have to act on their suggestions but you might discover something you both want to have a go at. Like any outcome of a conversation, by sharing your likes, dislikes and expectations you can make choices together and learn more about how to please each other. 

“Gonna get a little unruly, get it fired up in a hurry, wanna get dirty, it’s about time that I came to start the… party!” – Christina Aguilera
Generally “dirty talk” has a bad reputation but I personally think it’s just another form of communication. After all, it’s about enhancing your sexual experience and vocalising your sexual wants. Providing you’re with someone you can trust, it’s a great way to fire things up, as well as improve the connection between you and your partner (FYI there’s proven science behind this.) The whole build-up to sex will certainly heighten the sexual tension, naturally leading into increased passion during sex. Teasing should start wayyy before you’re in the room together – by exchanging some risqué words whether verbally, through video call or sexting – it’ll get the anticipation going for sure!

To be honest I’m an actions over words kinda gal but I have dabbled in a bit of filthy talk before. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the aggressive, submissive, porn-star kind of talk! It can simply be fun, playful with a touch of raciness… but then again different strokes for different folks right? As long as you feel comfortable and enjoying it 😉

My final words would be to ensure you’re discussing sex with your partner regularly. Your sexual needs may change over time and even when changing partners – that will require new conversations. Remember all relationships are different and from simply talking, you may discover new pleasures that you’d never even thought of before. Have fun in the bedroom and be safe!

Situationships, Friends with Benefits, more than friends less than lovers?

I think this post is going to be quite an interesting subject for most! It’s not one for the sensitive folk and I spit facts only so please don’t get emotional if you disagree with something I say. For the sake of mixing it up a bit, I’ve decided to open with a few random “fun” facts about myself and then I have a confession to make!

So… I have never:

1. Had a one night stand
2. Cheated
3. Been a mistress (as far as I’m aware!)
4. Been drunk to the point where I’ve blacked out
5. Taken any illegal drugs (weed is not a drug, don’t go there with me please)
6. Had a threesome/foursome/any-some
7. Been intimate with a person of the same sex

Yes people, I am relatively well behaved!

Okay… now that’s off my chest, it’s confession time…

So what have I done?

Well, a while ago… I dipped my toes in the FWB movement!

You know those articles you read online about how complicated or tricky it can get? They weren’t lying! I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a lot of fun in the moment but personally I don’t think it’s a relationship that can withstand consistently for the long-term.

Here’s the thing…

FWB type-relationships are not for the weak! The lines can get blurred very quickly. You have to be a certain type of person to enter this kind of territory, and unfortunately not everyone is cut out to compartmentalise sex… as well as be ruthless and impassive throughout the process. If anyone reading this post is thinking about adding “benefits” to a friendship… please let me give you a word of advice: if you get jealous easily, have an anxious attachment style or are secretly yearning for an actual relationship – sorry dear, I’m afraid FWB isn’t for you.

People will enter the FWB world thinking that it’s an easy arrangement, but unless you’ve set boundaries and have good communication with your friend – most people will end up suffering from the same problems found in normal relationships, i.e. mismatched expectations, jealousy, unspoken motives, etc.

Story time

I was with my FWB for 6 months – which is much longer than what I expected to be honest! It was never planned, it kind of just happened out of nowhere. As it stands, we don’t talk as much as before but we’re still on good terms with each other. I’d still consider him as a friend, to the point where if I dropped him a text now, we’d end up having a nice chit chat about whatever (he’d probably secretly think I was trying to get back in his boxers too – boy please) but thankfully we put an end to our “thing” without having any bad blood between us.

We first got talking a little while back when he added me on Facebook. At the time, he was more of an acquaintance so we were re-introducing ourselves, discussed our mutual friends, music, films, hobbies, family, career goals… the usual stuff when you’re getting to know someone. He eventually asked me if I wanted to get dinner and drinks with him, but out of respect for my partner at the time (sorry, I don’t use the term “boyfriend”), I declined. We kept in touch every so often but conversations slowly fizzled out.

A few months later, I’d broken up with my partner and coincidentally, someone decided to slide into my DMs… like almost immediately! Seriously, it was as if an alert got triggered the second I was back on the single market! Lol! We started talking again then eventually I agreed to meet up with him…on multiple occasions! We had the craziest, most hilarious times together! We bonded so much and done all sorts: dinner, cinema, went for long drives, shisha, shopping, clubbing! I recall one of our wildest nights when we knocked back (I’m not kidding) about 10 drinks each by 10:00pm! And by 3:00am… I was hurling my guts up on the street and (bless him!) he was moving my hair out the way, calling me Uber whilst dealing with being intoxicated himself! It was diabolical! 🤦🏻‍♀️ He sat in the Uber with me all the way back, walked me to my door, took the house keys out of my bag, opened my door (as I could barely function), then actually walked me into my house! It was a mess! He then turned around to jump back in the Uber… which had already left without him! So the poor guy had to call another! Whoops.

So yeah, as you can imagine we spent a lot of time together and developed a really good friendship. Then one day, we agreed to watch Netflix and chill together… surely I don’t need to elaborate any further? And from that moment, I understood the definition of FWB.

Initially, nothing changed as such, we still went out together, had laughs, had deep conversations… but gradually some new things were introduced to our “relationship”, which ultimately confused the hell out of me. It never helps when you’re an over thinker as well! Firstly, it was staying at each others’ houses – regularly! Then there was the pillow talk, the cuddles, the hand holding… which developed into taking mini trips away together, celebrating my birthday over the weekend. Erm excuse me, what is this!?!?!

On top of all of that, I was still active on dating apps. I had a couple guys asking me out… but it felt wrong to say yes? Yet I had every right to do what I wanted. As silly as it may sound to some of you, I did feel some sort of loyalty towards my FWB. Ugh, and realistically, having another guy in the mix – I couldn’t think of anything worse! It would only mean having an additional thing to think about. Plus I’m too much of an honest person and do have morals! Maybe this was all in my head but my goodness… my brain was overloaded with thoughts.

Anyway, I decided to put dating on the back-burner but soon realised that I was becoming too attached to my FWB (oh God, here we go), and this is how I knew: I started to get annoyed with him about stupid things like… not making me a priority, not coming to this museum or that new restaurant with me, him not staying the night! Then I was pissed off about the fact that I wasn’t dating other guys due to my “loyalty” to him. Then I got frustrated because I was completely confused about this situationship! …Of course, I chose not to be vocal about any of it. I had to put myself in my place and remind myself that:

1. I wasn’t his girlfriend
2. He never asked me to be loyal
3. I was allowing this situationship to continue

In conclusion, I needed to get a fucking grip and stop being ridiculous – so it was time to pull back.

…Only I didn’t pull back because I flipped out on him instead (with good reason, I like to think?)

One Saturday, I was with my friends, he was with his. We agreed to spend the evening together at his place. I drove down to the house (a little bit late), dropped him a text but did he even respond?! No. I gave the guy another 10 minutes. Nothing. My assumption was that he was probably still galavanting out and about with his friends. He didn’t even message me the next morning! I was livid and took the opportunity to call it quits right there and then. That bastard needed to be blocked. Okay, perhaps I shouldn’t of “assumed” anything… but I didn’t give a damn at this point, I wanted out. We were 6 months deep, and this FWB situationship was not bringing out my good side – it had to end.

Jumping the (situation)ship

We didn’t speak for a couple of months, he did text me a “Merry Christmas!” and a “Happy New Year!” but I ignored him. Then one day out of nowhere, we randomly bumped into each other on the street! Awkward!!! Well actually… it wasn’t awkward one bit. It felt like we were back to being good friends again. We spoke about work, holidays, family, general chit chat, joked around, he made sure I still had his number (lol!) and from there, we continued our friendship as normal. We even discussed why we fell out/what had happened, cleared the air and remained cordial up until this day!

It’s a peculiar one because once I decide to end things, no matter what the circumstance, I want them out of my life for good. I cut ties, block them on all platforms, get rid of their shit and couldn’t care less from there onwards. The FWB situation was very different, and it’s because the friendship was so key, and was always the priority. Yes, I was pissed off near the end but he was never the issue. Whilst we both knew it was never a conventional romantic relationship, the FWB arrangement was exclusively between us and so we had the element of respect and trust towards each other.

Having a FWB was a great experience but it’s not as cut and dry as you’d think, especially if you’re someone who is more inclined to having long term relationships. I admit, I like the idea of romance, stability and commitment. I like a guy showing affection in public and vice versa. If I find myself developing feelings for someone, I wouldn’t want to hold back because of the boundaries put in place. Above all, it’s not worth the hassle to be in your head all the time, feeling anxious or irritated, trying to figure out how to act, what to say and so on.

Looking back, I’d say I was quite lucky to share the experience with this particular friend. It was one of the most fun and exciting periods in my dating history. Him being attractive obviously helped massively (haha!) but having common interests, the same sense of humour, same values and mindset, made it all the more enjoyable.

Would I consider having a FWB again? Nah, count me out. I have no desire to explore that ground again. I don’t have any regrets but I know it’s not for me. For the sake of my sanity, I would rather avoid placing myself in problematic situations; I already find normal relationships a ball ache! Time and experiences like these have aided me in recognising what I want and what I definitely don’t want.

If you are currently in a FWB “relationship”, then I hope you know where to draw the line. Otherwise, if you find yourself acting up, similar to the way I did; then my suggestion would be to take the other option – abandon ship and salvage the friendship!


Basically the ideal FWB relationship is one where people enjoy sex, live close to each other and have a genuine interest in the happenings of the other person but are still too wrapped up in themselves to worry about the other person.

– Taken from an article I read. Ain’t that the truth!