“I didn’t appreciate you dueting with him at karaoke!”

Insecurity and neediness quickly became a deal breaker for me after exiting one of my past relationships. I can’t and won’t tolerate that kind of behaviour. When I’m emotionally checked out of a relationship, that’s it. There’s no going back. I will close the door, lock it and throw away the key. I don’t offer friendship post-relationships, but I do try to part ways in the most amicable way possible. Though this hasn’t always panned out the way I would have hoped.  

In this post, I want to talk about the challenges I faced when dealing with a possessive, insecure and needy partner.

As a disclaimer, I will be honest and say that I have been that unbearable, anxious person once upon a time. It was not pleasant for either party, nor do I wish to ever be in that frame of mind again. I can only describe the behaviour as very toxic and unhealthy. With the relationship I’m about to discuss, I’ve seen it from both sides. Not only have I experienced going through it but I also know what sort of dubious thoughts can run wild inside the head once triggered…

Beginning

It all started at my old workplace. Normally I’m not a lady to mix business with pleasure but we managed to keep it very low key and maintained professionalism when working on projects together. I remember finding out that he’d liked me from one of my colleagues. Unfortunately, I felt quite the opposite. I didn’t find him attractive, he was very geeky, wasn’t very masculine, pale looking, his sense of style didn’t make sense to me… there was no way I could see myself going out on a date with him.

The company I had worked for at the time had some amazing perks including free gym membership at Virgin Active or GymBox. Obviously, I took full advantage but realised that a certain someone was doing the same, and had signed up at the same gym around the corner from the office! I also found him there at the same time as me (stalker lol) I’m not a rude person so when he came over to chat, I let the conversation flow. I mean, he was a nice guy but he was getting a bit too flirty for my liking… I was so uncomfortable! But I find out he had a girlfriend so firstly… thank God! Secondly what the hell was he doing? Eventually he confessed that he liked me but I palmed him off and told him to sort whatever issues out with his girlfriend.

Anyway, fast forwarding to a few weeks later, a bunch of us went out for lunch together. He told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend and was in the process of moving out of their place! Erm… okay? Then he said he really wanted to take me out on a date. Note: I had my stupid colleagues behind the scenes pressurising me to give him a chance! 🙄 So I agreed to hang out with him after work… and boy was I taken by surprise because I actually had a good time. I hope I don’t sound mean?! As time went by, I discovered a number of great qualities about him: very passionate, intelligence, well-mannered, family-orientated, sensitive (in a good way) and extremely ambitious. I suppose it’s those things that made me develop attraction for him.

But (there’s always a “but”) there were many other qualities I was about to find out….

Middle

Overall, we were together for just under a year, thankfully by the time I broke up with him, I had already left the company! Hurrah! Things were pretty solid for 6/7 months. We took a couple of little trips away, he’d met my family and a few friends (vice versa), he was coming along to family occasions, I practically split my time between my home and his. It was lovely!

Then came the possessive, insecure and controlling behaviour… 😒

Jealousy at work
Most people that know me, are aware that I have a very bubbly, friendly and sociable personality. I’m a little lairy, love cracking jokes and sarcasm. Male or female — how I speak/act towards you, doesn’t change. I’m very much a “what you see is what you get” type of person. The ratio of male to female in the office was something like 80:10. I was quite close with 4 or 5 guys in the office, so I’d always go over and have a chinwag whenever I had some downtime.

Clearly this didn’t sit well with someone and he’d either:
1) Get out of his seat, walk over, hang around, wait for me to finish so he could “talk” to me.
2) Walk past me, attempt to make eye contact and give me evils.
3) Send me passive aggressive texts once I was back at my desk.

LOL!

I had to put up with comments like: “Why were you laughing so much with XXX? What was so funny?” or “Why did you pop to the shops with him and not me?” or “You’ve spoken to him more today than you’ve spoken to your own boyfriend!” — Sometimes I overthink or over analyse things which causes me to question my own actions, even when I’m right! I do it more often when I care about a person. When I first received those kind of messages, it pissed me off massively but I also didn’t want him to feel threatened in anyway. I responded calmly and gave him a lot of reassurance… a lot of it! The thing is, I’m also not a pushover. I already experienced being with a controlling person beforehand so I knew better this time. It wasn’t long until I got fed up of his bullshit.

Invasion of privacy
I used to work at his place and borrow his laptop whenever I left mine at home. Not realising that this was clearly a mistake, I kept myself logged into my emails and the work instant messaging platform (Slack). I didn’t think anything of it at the time until one day at dinner he randomly came out with “I saw your conversation with XXX on Slack… why are you guys joking around like that?” and “You talk to XXX every fucking day, and it’s not even about work.” — I was shocked and almost choked on my orange juice!

This guy needs to adjust his tone! And why did he think it was okay to casually drop in the fact that he was going through my work conversations?
The discussion did not go down well, I lost my appetite and jumped in a cab home.

Ruining my Christmas
It was the Christmas work do and as much as I find these occasions kinda cringe, I had to get involved because there going to be karaoke… and I’m the karaoke queen bitches! 😂 Except that night I wasn’t so much. This guy ruined my mood, all because I had dueted with one of our male colleagues (a mutual friend as well!) Excuse me but if Aladdin’s “A whole new world” is lined up, I’m not missing out on that banger!

While everyone else was clapping and woo-ing, he was sitting there giving me the dirtiest look. At this point, I didn’t give a fuck. He decided to take me to a side and say: “I didn’t appreciate you dueting with him at karaoke!”. I laughed in his face which pissed him even more… so he went home. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t even touch me
With all this bullshit, I was getting exhausted mentally. Who has time to justify their actions at every moment!? I resented him and was pretty much checked out of the relationship. Everything he said pissed me off. Looking at him pissed me off. I started taking my bits and pieces from his place and bringing them back to mine. I didn’t even want him touching me… every time he’d go in for a hug or kiss, I’d turn away and pull a disgusted face, sometimes even put my hand up to stop him for getting closer.

End

There was only one direction this relationship was heading in, and it was straight down the pan! He had to go. I was already preparing my breakup speech which consisted of about 5 sentences. But more importantly, I had a 2 week girly holiday to San Francisco, Miami & Barbados coming up… and I intended to thoroughly enjoy it!!

Based on how we were around each other, he knew it was coming. During the first few days of my holiday, he was constantly texting me and I was completely unbothered. I remember he had text me: “I miss you!” and I recall ignoring it for a whole day then eventually responding with: “We need to talk when I get back. I’d like to enjoy my holiday now so let’s just save it for when I return.”

Harsh but that’s what happens when people are pushed too far. I had a fabulous time and it was a much needed break! I got back in touch with him on the same day I landed. We agreed to meet the following day for a coffee and basically the rest is history. There was no anger towards him whatsoever. If anything, I tried to get him to explain why he carried himself the way he did… but I never got to the bottom of it. Then again it was never my problem to resolve in the first place. I was much happier after breaking free and that was the most important thing.

Final thoughts

While most people will have some level of insecurity/jealousy (there is such thing as a healthy dosage), problems arise when a person’s level of insecurity affects the majority of the relationship… to the point of killing it. An insecure person will always question “why” and feel they’re not good enough. Nothing you can say or do will make an excessively insecure person, secure. You end up wasting a lot of time, effort, and energy. And normally the person who ends up drained, will be you. Everything can be great about someone but insecurity will more than likely override it.

“When do I get my fairytale ending?”

A few weeks back I was talking to my cousin over WhatsApp, we were exchanging stories on all the latest dating dramas and screenshots of our erm… interesting matches. We’re both in agreement that online dating sucks, and while I’m having a lot of fun with it, my cousin is on the brink of giving up!

There are some women who really want the whole marriage and kids thing (my cousin) and some who are open to the idea but not particularly fixed on it (well that would be me!) Speaking of which, did you know about 17% of marriages and 20% of relationships begin online. I guess it’s not a terrible stat, to be honest I think it’s amazing when people manage to find their perfect partner online, but I think there’s a sprinkle of luck involved too!

The idea of fulfilment

During our conversation, my cousin said to me “When do I get my fairytale ending?” — and even though I’m fully aware that there’s no such thing as a “fairytale ending” (I’m not pessimistic, just a realist), it dawned on me that actually… dating can be quite the opposite sometimes. I feel like there’s this whole stigma about settling down. Traditionally, the stages of a “perfect relationship” has always been portrayed as: dating someone for many years, buying a house together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids and growing old together. Obviously this way of thinking has branched out and moved on yet it’s still an idea that people hold on to. For the singletons who hold tightly on to this way of life, tend to feel the pressure more as the years go by.

I find that as you get older, dating becomes harder. The truth is, the longer you’re alive, the more baggage you build up. We become set in our own ways, we’re more particular about what we want in a partner, we’re more critical. And this is just a tiny handful of reasons why. You’ll also find that everyone has been in some form of relationship(s) already, people might have children, be divorced… all of that stuff. So what do we have left? Well, it’s a choice of:

1. Serial daters – doesn’t take dating seriously and doesn’t want to take dating seriously
2. Broken but healing – may succeed once healed
3. Broken and not healing – toxic and undateable
4, Mentally unstable – this can cover a lot of ground but generally toxic and undatable or adds too much of a burden
5. Married – no thanks
Kids from someone else – might work for some, dealbreaker for others

You get my drift right? Okay, fine… there might be like 10% of “normal” people out there but even so, it’s not the easiest journey, particularly if you’re someone looking to settle down. There are other factors which unfortunately make an individual put pressure on themselves, this includes:

1. When all your friends are getting hitched and popping out babies
2. Parents / Other family members
3. Awareness of your body clock
4. Not being able to enjoy your own company

5. Overthinking about the future

Go easy on yourself

One might not be fussed about any of the above but I totally understand why a number of women are in a hurry to find their Mr. Right. The thing is however, progression of a romantic relationship can’t be forced or rushed, it’s something that should naturally evolve over time. So on that point, I wanted to compile a few “words of wisdom” for my fellow singletons. Mind you, I’m no love guru here, I’m simply picking out some narrative from various books I’ve read and conversations I’ve had — all which I’ve personally found useful and taken onboard.

JUMPING INTO RELATIONSHIPS
There are a number of reasons why people rush into new relationships. A lot of the time, it’s an attempt to get over an old one (ie. filling a hole in their life), but rebound relationships rarely stand the test of time because until your heart has healed you’re unlikely to be in the right frame of mind to let someone new in. Lost relationships deserve to be grieved. Even if the choice was yours to end it, there is still the loss of the hope you once had for it. You’ll be surprised how much you discover about yourself when you take some time out to heal.

Being part of a healthy relationship requires being a healthy person (mentally and emotionally). While it’s lovely to have a companion, it’s vital to feel comfortable and happy within yourself when you’re on your own and before entering a new relationship. It’s worth mentioning that no one ever figures everything out about themselves. I’m still learning every day! But when you know what you want and need in a relationship, the higher chance you will find someone in alignment with those needs.

TRUST YOUR OWN JOURNEY
We need to remember that everyone’s timing and journeys are different — and I’m not just referring to relationships in this instance. What works for some will not work for others. In life, it can be very discouraging when you witness friends or siblings reaching important milestones, whilst you’re there struggling to make ends meet.

Now if we look at dating, it can be hard to suppress feelings of sadness, envy or whatever it is you feel in the age of social media where everyone’s life seems so perfect online. If you find yourself thinking “why can’t it be me?” after seeing a friend’s Instagram post announcing her wedding engagement while she’s in the Caribbean with her new fiancee — it’s totally understandable. There was a study on Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking which found that social media use was associated with lower self-esteem and poorer mental health.

Please don’t focus on how you rank in comparison to others. Enjoy your journey. And remember that your journey has nothing to do with how well other people are doing, or what they have… but it has everything to do with what you want to do, and where you want to go. That’s all you need to worry about.

HIGH STANDARDS VS. BEING UNREALISTIC
People people people… we must draw the line between having high standards and being unrealistic. First of all, there is nothing wrong with having high standards. I think it’s a sign of healthy self-esteem, and it implies clarity about who you are and what you want. High standards conveys someone who knows their worth and what they deserve and are not afraid to ask for it and expect it done.

On the other hand, having unrealistic expectations for yourself and others isn’t great. Expecting someone else to be perfect, tick all the boxes all the time and do things when and how you want is not fair. Sorry but who do you think you are? If you’re constantly feeling disappointed in your relationships, you might want to consider the fact that you expect too much from your partner. Yes, relationships involve compromise and there are certainly non-negotiables, but sometimes we need to do some readjusting where expectations are concerned.

I’ve seen people’s (long ass) lists where there’s a column for dealbreakers and a column for requirements… and boy, some of that stuff is incredibly far-fetched and laughable. I’m not even gonna go there! Anyway, the bottom line is that you must understand and accept that no one is perfect. By doing so, you release yourself and others from this competition that nobody can ever win. 

STOP JUDGING
I have been particularly bad at this in the past, which is why I’ve been called “stush” before. One thing I would like to highlight is that putting yourself out there, being in a vulnerable position isn’t such a bad thing — and I’ve massively appreciated it when the other person does the same. It really helps when two people are honest and can communicate. It takes a good amount of time to really get to know someone and even then, you’ll only know a fragment about them. Even in relationships where you learn more over the years, people change as they go through different stages of life, things also happen and you either go with it or walk away.

Managing your judgement is very important here. The problem with judging early on is that you don’t allow a chance to connect with the other person on a deeper level, where you see their core values and beliefs, and watch their actions to make sure that they’re aligned with their words. At the end of the day, kindness and acceptance is imperative when getting to know someone new.

ENJOYING THE MOMENT
The best part of dating? Having fun! Life might throw a lot of bullshit your way, but it should be enjoyable… and as a bonus, sometimes it’s a learning curve. There are people who restrict the fun side of things because they’re not living in the moment. In fact, the same people are most likely too busy formulating plans on how to lock things down with the “potential”. Remember: Not all relationships will lead to marriage, some will help you discover new restaurants.

We often lose sight of what dating is all about, and in my opinion, it’s about connecting with another person, sharing who you are while learning who they are, enjoying the activity, laughing at the jokes, flirting and appreciating each other’s company. When you don’t take yourself or the date too seriously, you’ll quickly find yourself having the best dates of your life. Perhaps we need to trade the unattainable “fairytale ending” for a happy journey with a few bumps en route.

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE
Lastly…. this. I wasn’t always someone who enjoyed being single but when I took the time out and focused on me and put myself first, my mindset and outlook changed completely. As a society we’re so wrapped up in finding someone to complete us, instead of trying to complete ourselves. Being single is when you learn about yourself and discover who you are. You have all the freedom when you’re single with no one holding you back — so make the most of it! Don’t allow yourself to be so enthralled on becoming somebody’s that you forget to first become somebody. 

Well that’s it from me… I hope you enjoyed this post and it’s given you some food for thought!

Are we burning ourselves out with all these matches?

Dating apps… there are far too many options out there (I’m talking apps and potentials), it’s been said that the golden rule of dating is to never put all your eggs in once basket. I’m not opposed to this, however if you’re not on your A-game or you’re a newbie to dating apps, this multi dating palaver can quickly become confusing, tedious, tiring and kind of messy! I know because I used to be a multi-dater once upon a time. I got to a point where I was having 3 dates a week. And no I’m not bragging here. It was fun and a great laugh at first, but I started pondering… is it really worth the time and energy? Is multi dating truly the way forward in search of a suitable partner?

Repeating the same small talk, asking the same questions to X number of guys over and over — while also trying to remember what they’ve/you’ve said… it’s far too exhausting! Keeping up with several conversations simultaneously meant that I had to leverage my organisational skills (good thing I’ve worked in Project Management). I used to have copy and paste questions (and answers) saved in my phone notes! Basically a bunch of templates. Cheeky huh? It was certainly an efficient way of doing things… but in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have treated dating as if it were some kind of routine/chore! 😬

Multi dating = Multi confusion?

So I refrained from multi dating strategy and wanted to share my reasons why:

1. As mentioned above. Small talk. It’s necessary but painful… and I’d rather not multiply the number of times I have to do it.
2. I love getting glammed up… but truthfully it’s effort! For me, I’m either dressed to the nines to looking like a peasant — there’s no in-between!
3. When you’re not quite getting that spark and you have to drop the awkward “I’ve had a great time, you’re lovely but…” message. Eeek.
4. Constantly looking over my shoulder during a dating incase I get caught by one of the other dudes!
5. Guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but… I have a good heart! I feel so bad if a guy starts pouring their feelings out and it’s not mutual.

Some people start wondering whether the grass is greener on the other side. Dating then becomes a numbers game and everyone feels disposable. The problem is that this way of thinking doesn’t allow you to properly connect with someone — keeping one foot out the door ultimately means your efforts are half-hearted.

By the way, how you choose to date is totally up to you. I’m merely sharing my experiences 🙂 So why did I multi-date in the first place? Well I’m not going to lie, boredom was the main reason. But in the early stages of dating (especially when you don’t actually know what you’re looking for) it’s nice to connect with different types of people, have a laugh, suss out what type of people you gel with, what qualities/characteristics you like in a person and what you don’t. Then if you happen to share mutual interests, values, humour and enjoy each other’s company then great! I do think multi dating is ideal for those who prefer to keep it casual… although I know people who do it for the ego boost.

Providing that you’re someone who’s unsure about what you’re looking for, here are some other reasons why multi dating can be a good idea:

1. It prevents you from becoming too attached (if that’s your dating style).
2. You won’t feel the pressure or need to rush things.
3. You’ll have a clearer, more rational observation of individual traits you like and dislike.

Why do you want this position?

Multi dating is like being an employer, you’re looking for the right person to fill a role. The first stage is essentially pre-screening, you know… going through their photos and bios (CV), then selecting candidates to match and chat with. I think my record is holding 17 different conversations across 4 apps at one time — I won’t be doing that again! 😬

Then comes the process of elimination. If the conversation is dead, you unmatch. If all goes well and the candidate has kept my interest then they move to second stage (WhatsApp, maybe a phone or video call). A little after this point, if I haven’t blocked them yet, then it’s final stage (setting up a date). Scheduling dates was a bit of a madness… I had to keep a diary to remember who I was seeing and when. Many articles advise letting the other party know that you’re dating around from the start, I don’t think that’s necessary, but that’s just me.

Disclaimer: My definition of multi dating isn’t having a full blown relationship with multiple people. Nor does it mean I get intimate with every single guy at the same time! Once I’m into someone and the feeling is reciprocated, I cut ties with the others.

Conclusion

I think multi dating is kinda long! I guess my attitude around it has changed, I honestly can’t be arsed! These days I’d prefer to invest time in one person. It requires less effort, I don’t get caught up in any complications, it’s an opportunity to get to know someone on a deeper level without other “distractions”, it’s respectful, and if things don’t work out then it’s just a simple case of dropping them, moving on to the next one or chilling! Why make life more difficult right? What’s your take on it?

The hoe life is no life… for me anyway.

Call me old fashioned or boring but with the development of dating apps, we’re now in an era where people skip the niceties, forget about courting, get straight into “DTF?” (Down To Fuck – for those not familiar with the lingo), then it’s off to do your thing and sneak out the morning after.

Hookups have always been on peoples agendas, and I think dating apps have made it easily accessible. If you’re anything like me, someone who has never been interested in a quick bang, it’s easy to get jaded with the world of modern dating. Don’t get me wrong, for those who enjoy the freedom to have casual sex whenever and with whoever, by all means do your thing! I’m certainly not judging.

Each dating app encourages users to make it clear what they’re looking for on their profiles in order to help set expectations on both sides. However, even when you do that… you’ll still get a handful of people that match/message you with other intentions. Of course I can simply choose to ignore or unmatch them, especially when they send distasteful messages. But it’s the ones that play the game, act like they’re looking for something other than a hookup but aren’t completely upfront about what they really want. 🙄 Why? What is the point?

In my opinion, it seems that many people (both men and women) don’t actually know they’re looking for — in which case, these particular individuals should deactivate their accounts and do a bit work on themselves. Alternatively, if a quick romp in the bedroom is what people are after then there are specific apps designed for those after something that isn’t long-term/serious. Sorry folks, I don’t know all the app names but I’d say Feely and Tinder are probably good starting points.

As a female dating app user, you wouldn’t believe just how easy it is to rack up a bunch of men to sleep with. I’m not tooting my own horn here, it’s a fact that women get more matches then men. Basically there are a lot of guys out there who want sex with no strings attached. I don’t use any photos where I’m in a bikini, in tight gym clothing or little “ratchet” outfits… yet I still get ridiculous messages. 🤮 Can you imagine what it’s like for the women who do use fleshy photos? I’ve got to be honest here, when I swipe through my guy friend’s matches, some of these women will put “looking for a relationship” then use pictures with half their breasts out and posing in lingerie. Really? You’re not exactly leaving much to the imagination.

Anyway, we live in a modern society and sexual promiscuity happens; everyone has their own wants/needs. It’s just that my preference is to be in a place where I feel stable, comfortable and not have to deal with the aftermath of emotional messiness. I would much rather be with a person that’ll make me feel good all the time, not just for one day or on occasions.

Casual sex is suited to those who can simply compartmentalise (and not many can). But I also find that these people tend to display quite intense, antagonistic, narcissistic personality traits. I guess you could say it’s kind of similar to the FWB scenario — except you need to remove the element of friendship! So yeah… hookups. Not ideal for those who are an emotional train wreck or those hoping that a relationship will be the end result. Do you agree?

Why is it always something?

From age 16 until now I’ve been in 5 relationships… although I wouldn’t consider the ones before 25 “serious” as my young, wild and naive phase lasted a fair few years. When I finally matured and got my shit together, I decided to remain single for a while — 2 years in fact. I spent a lot of that time focusing on myself, working on my own happiness. I learnt how to enjoy my own company, spent more quality time with family and friends, went on a fair few holidays, got through a ton of books, put more energy into my career, improved my fitness, took up new hobbies, as well go through the process of self-reflection, all which gave me an incredible amount of perspective.

I can’t emphasise how important the self-reflection part was for me. Once I took a step back and analysed my life events, behaviour, values and beliefs; I decided it was time to make a few adjustments. I didn’t necessarily change who I was, but knew there were areas within myself that needed improvement – my attitude in particular. Once upon a time, I used to be extremely selfish, I went from 0 to 100 extremely quickly, sometimes violent, easily irritated, always spoke without thinking, was condescending towards others and had issues with authority.

Being a typical teenager/young adolescent was an obvious factor, however there were so many more layers to why I behaved and acted in such a way… but I won’t bore you with my life story! Maturity, different experiences combined with taking a time out made such a positive impact on my life. Over the last few years I’ve found myself to be much calmer, a better listener, more empathetic, understanding and open-minded. I pretty much did a 180! 😊 And if you’re wondering how any of the above is relevant to dating/relationships… just bear with me… My friend recently described my relationship history as: “Every bad trait you could ask for in a man, you found in each one of your relationships.” – This is true! Here is an overview on everything I’ve encountered in the past (not fishing for sympathy by the way!)

Relationship 1 – violent, controlling, cheater
Relationship 2 – no backbone, gambler
Relationship 3 – drug abuse, no ambition/drive
Relationship 4 – needy, insecure, controlling
Relationship 5 – compulsive/pathological liar

Quick overview

Number 1 affected me the most for sure. He did me dirty! 😩 I was young, it my first boyfriend and I was very cut up about it when it came to an end. A few of my issues stemmed from this particular relationship, and caused some of my existing issues to magnify. I knew it had affected me badly because when I entered my second relationship, I ended up being an icy bitch while displaying signs of a very unstable, insecure person. I just didn’t allow myself enough time to fully heal before jumping into a new relationship. Thinking back, I was a real handful to deal with! But the fact that he was a gambler didn’t help much with my irritable behaviour, he also never put his foot down when I was being mean, thus making it very easy for me to be a living nightmare.

When I was 21, I signed myself up for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), I could feel my rage getting out of control as it was slowly spreading across to my home life. I found therapy helpful, it made me more self-aware, however it wasn’t going to solve everything… and putting what I learnt into action was a very slow process for me.

After the dramas and the 2 year self-cleanse, I told myself that if I were to get into another relationship, that I’d be the best version of myself, not let past issues creep into the present, not set any expectations and just go with the flow. Which I did… as well as I could anyway. As you know, people don’t just change overnight.

Then Relationship 4 & 5 happened. Along came Mr. needy, insecure and controlling, followed by Mr. compulsive/pathological liar. Oh and not to forget, my dating history includes (but not limited to) being ghosted, bring dropped because they were still hung up on their ex, bring slow faded. Isn’t dating delightful?

The “psychoanalysis”

I believe my old line manager at work came to the conclusion that I was the “common denominator” — rude. Firstly, I’m confident it’s not me — yeah, that’s what they all say! But seriously, it’s not. I’m someone who thinks very logically, I have my head screwed on and don’t act “cray”… well not anymore! I’ve already gone through that phase. What I don’t know is how and why I manage to attract certain types of people. They seem cool at first and then all the toxicity suddenly comes pouring out! Literally… why is it always something? I’m capable of understanding that no one is perfect. I’m not and have never asked for perfect. I totally get that everyone has had some shit to deal with in the past but how is it possible that every person I’ve been in a relationship with… or even short-term dated just ends up having some major issue??

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

It’s a good thing I’ve learnt not waste too much time and energy on people! To think that I used to drag things out for more than a year in hopes that the person/situation would by miracle change! Madness. Don’t get me wrong, I think people can change but it’s not an overnight thing… it can take many years and quite frankly… who’s waiting?

I exchanged some hilarious dating/relationship stories with my work colleague the other week, and she shared a this little theory with me. She believes that damaged/unstable people can sense the aura of those who have their shit together. Then once the victims have been sussed out, these “parasites” will lure us in, latch on and absorb as much time and energy at the expense of our happiness and wellbeing… so in essence, I’m a host for these leeches! Sad but sounds about right.

Turning point

On a serious note though, not many people are aware of their internal issues or they simply choose to suppress it. I feel it’s vital for everyone to self-reflect. Not only do you become more confident and happy within yourself but it helps to build much better relationships. It’s certainly not a natural or easy thing for people to do. Many will struggle to hold up a mirror and really take a good look at themselves because it means being vulnerable, being completely honest with oneself and admitting mistakes/faults. When I think about the past, I genuinely hope that my exes/guys I’ve dated have gone through this process and managed to better themselves allowing them to discover real happiness and love.

Perhaps I’ve been dealt a slightly bad hand when it comes to dating/relationships but will always be grateful for the experience and learnings that came with it. I have no idea what to expect next but all I know is that right now… I’m in a really good place where I have peace of mind, life is stress/drama-free, I can look back and laugh, cherish memories, write about it and enjoy the moment 🙂

I’m not picky. I just have standards.

Yeah okay I do have a fair share of dating disaster/failed relationship stories (partly why I started this blog in the first place)… so when I spill the latest to my various groups of friends, they seem to think the “pattern” is due to my pickiness and high maintenance attitude. Well, I humbly disagree. I’m far from picky and not even close to high maintenance – really, that’s the truth. Besides, I’m from South East London… say no more init!

In terms of qualities and characteristics, I don’t ask for much. Just someone who is capable of being honest, can hold a good conversation, has a sense of humour, respectful and has direction/ambition in life. For some reason though in today’s society, even those 5 things can be a challenge to find in a person!

For those who are unfamiliar or new to the online dating scene, I want to give a bit of detail on how I filter out the absolute lunatics from the ones that appear “normal” (not to put you off but a good percentage of these “normal” people still end up having major issues, they’re just pros at putting on a facade!)

Anyway!!! Before I get into it, let me quickly explain why I decided to flock over to dating apps. Firstly, I (and I’m sure the majority of people) would prefer to meet someone in real life. It enables you to cut through the bullshit, see if you have chemistry right away and figure out if you’re attracted to the person (not depending on or being disappointed by misleading photos!) However, currently, for me anyway, there isn’t much opportunity to meet someone in the traditional way (i.e. social events, during a night out) and there’s a few reasons for this:


1. My circle of friends are mostly married with kids so getting dolled up and going out to clubs/bars/lounges are a thing of the past. Besides, I couldn’t think of anything worse. I stopped going out years ago, and even if something did crop up, I’d happily pass and spend the evening in bed!

2. I also want to highlight that the types of people approaching me at clubs/bars/lounges were usually very sleazy and after one thing. It’s the same grotesque kind that have the audacity to ask for your number when they’re parked up in their cars or stopped at traffic lights.

3. Social gatherings – yes these happen once in a (rare) while but it’s highly likely that I’d be familiar with everyone there already!

4. Meeting people at work… hmm, not a big fan of mixing business with pleasure but okay I wouldn’t rule it out. As long as we worked in very different departments! It’s how I met one of my exes to be fair… but clearly that didn’t last (nothing to do with work, tell you about it later) but truthfully… finding a potential partner when I’m at work is the last thing on my mind!

5. Meeting people through friends – I find it very cringeworthy when a friend tries to play matchmaker. Not to mention that I don’t trust their taste and judgement in character! Lol! Sorry guys!! …Look, it’s not like I straight up say no, I do ask for a few details and a photo. Then I’ll get a response like: “Yeah so he works with me, he’s really nice, super smart but… he does dabble in drugs.”


A couple years back, with a lot of convincing from my old work colleagues, I finally gave in and created a few accounts across 4 dating apps. Tinder – which lasted for about an hour. Plenty of Fish… well, that’s another topic for later. OKCupid – great for blog fodder. Bumble – meh, guys look good, not much substance though.

Since it was unfamiliar territory, I asked my colleagues (a bunch of lads) how it all worked. Apparently the best way to find “hot chicks” was to continuously swipe right on everyone, then save the filtering for after… “it’s the most efficient way of getting matches” they claimed. Erm… sure? Except I wasn’t looking for “hot chicks”!


Not many females I know use dating apps (I can see why!) so I had to figure out my own filtering style.
And seeing as photos are the first thing people look at, I’ve listed the kind that instantly make me swipe left:

USING ON PHOTO (EVEN IF IT’S A GOOD ONE)
I can’t trust that.

MYSTERIOUS PHOTOS
Wearing sunglasses in every photo. Blurry photos.

HALF NAKED/GYM POSERS/AB SHOTS
No.

THROWING UP GANG SIGNS
Are you not like… 37?

PHOTOS OF PRIZED POSESSIONS
Cars, properties, gadgets… *yawn*

WTF PHOTOS
i.e close up of a beard, close up of an eye, a photo of a garden shovel.

SOMEONE I RECOGNISE FROM SCHOOL/WORK

OMG.

…okay, that’s the first stage of filtering out of the way.


The second filtering stage focuses more on the substance. Below are things I find rather off-putting or consider deal breakers:

CHEESY QUOTES/STATEMENTS
i.e. “Live laugh love.” or “I’m looking for my partner in crime.”

NO BIO/MINIMAL EFFORT
“Ask and find out.” – This displays laziness to me. Make some effort please? Bullet points will suffice.

THIS KINDA STUFF…
“Hookups”, “I’m only here for the weekend”, “Want to have fun”, “I’m very kinky and need a submissive woman”

WEIRD NAMES
i.e. Rubber Alien (the dude was wearing a gimp suit), Black Magic, FootSlave, Mr. Nice Guy

“HAVE KIDS”
Works for some. Just not for me unfortunately.

“ENTREPRENEUR” OR “SELF EMPLOYED”
I fully respect anyone that has their own business and built it from the ground up… and if I can see that displayed on their profile, it’s all good. From personal experience, I find that the genuine people will include the name of their company. The “dreamers” however… they like to talk a good game. You’re basically unemployed.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
That’s their business. I’m not judging but it’s a deal breaker for me.


So there you have it! My two stages of filtering. It’s much easier to be cut throat when you know what you want and don’t want. The only thing left after second stage is to figure out whether these “normal” people are actually wearing a mask!

At this point, some conversation would have started and that’s when the third stage of filtering kicks in… it’s a bit tricky from here but don’t play detective too much, you don’t want to kill the vibe with a nice, genuine person!

Oh and please don’t go stalking them on Facebook / Instagram / LinkedIn (unless you really feel the need to). The best thing to do is just enjoy getting to know each other, go out on dates, have fun, don’t set any expectations but also:

1. Don’t neglect that intuition!
2. Be aware of red flags!
3. Don’t lower your standards out of desperation/fear of loneliness!


Situationships, Friends with Benefits, more than friends less than lovers?

I think this post is going to be quite an interesting subject for most! It’s not one for the sensitive folk and I spit facts only so please don’t get emotional if you disagree with something I say. For the sake of mixing it up a bit, I’ve decided to open with a few random “fun” facts about myself and then I have a confession to make!

So… I have never:

1. Had a one night stand
2. Cheated
3. Been a mistress (as far as I’m aware!)
4. Been drunk to the point where I’ve blacked out
5. Taken any illegal drugs (weed is not a drug, don’t go there with me please)
6. Had a threesome/foursome/any-some
7. Been intimate with a person of the same sex

Yes people, I am relatively well behaved!

Okay… now that’s off my chest, it’s confession time…

So what have I done?

Well, a while ago… I dipped my toes in the FWB movement!

You know those articles you read online about how complicated or tricky it can get? They weren’t lying! I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a lot of fun in the moment but personally I don’t think it’s a relationship that can withstand consistently for the long-term.

Here’s the thing…

FWB type-relationships are not for the weak! The lines can get blurred very quickly. You have to be a certain type of person to enter this kind of territory, and unfortunately not everyone is cut out to compartmentalise sex… as well as be ruthless and impassive throughout the process. If anyone reading this post is thinking about adding “benefits” to a friendship… please let me give you a word of advice: if you get jealous easily, have an anxious attachment style or are secretly yearning for an actual relationship – sorry dear, I’m afraid FWB isn’t for you.

People will enter the FWB world thinking that it’s an easy arrangement, but unless you’ve set boundaries and have good communication with your friend – most people will end up suffering from the same problems found in normal relationships, i.e. mismatched expectations, jealousy, unspoken motives, etc.

Story time

I was with my FWB for 6 months – which is much longer than what I expected to be honest! It was never planned, it kind of just happened out of nowhere. As it stands, we don’t talk as much as before but we’re still on good terms with each other. I’d still consider him as a friend, to the point where if I dropped him a text now, we’d end up having a nice chit chat about whatever (he’d probably secretly think I was trying to get back in his boxers too – boy please) but thankfully we put an end to our “thing” without having any bad blood between us.

We first got talking a little while back when he added me on Facebook. At the time, he was more of an acquaintance so we were re-introducing ourselves, discussed our mutual friends, music, films, hobbies, family, career goals… the usual stuff when you’re getting to know someone. He eventually asked me if I wanted to get dinner and drinks with him, but out of respect for my partner at the time (sorry, I don’t use the term “boyfriend”), I declined. We kept in touch every so often but conversations slowly fizzled out.

A few months later, I’d broken up with my partner and coincidentally, someone decided to slide into my DMs… like almost immediately! Seriously, it was as if an alert got triggered the second I was back on the single market! Lol! We started talking again then eventually I agreed to meet up with him…on multiple occasions! We had the craziest, most hilarious times together! We bonded so much and done all sorts: dinner, cinema, went for long drives, shisha, shopping, clubbing! I recall one of our wildest nights when we knocked back (I’m not kidding) about 10 drinks each by 10:00pm! And by 3:00am… I was hurling my guts up on the street and (bless him!) he was moving my hair out the way, calling me Uber whilst dealing with being intoxicated himself! It was diabolical! 🤦🏻‍♀️ He sat in the Uber with me all the way back, walked me to my door, took the house keys out of my bag, opened my door (as I could barely function), then actually walked me into my house! It was a mess! He then turned around to jump back in the Uber… which had already left without him! So the poor guy had to call another! Whoops.

So yeah, as you can imagine we spent a lot of time together and developed a really good friendship. Then one day, we agreed to watch Netflix and chill together… surely I don’t need to elaborate any further? And from that moment, I understood the definition of FWB.

Initially, nothing changed as such, we still went out together, had laughs, had deep conversations… but gradually some new things were introduced to our “relationship”, which ultimately confused the hell out of me. It never helps when you’re an over thinker as well! Firstly, it was staying at each others’ houses – regularly! Then there was the pillow talk, the cuddles, the hand holding… which developed into taking mini trips away together, celebrating my birthday over the weekend. Erm excuse me, what is this!?!?!

On top of all of that, I was still active on dating apps. I had a couple guys asking me out… but it felt wrong to say yes? Yet I had every right to do what I wanted. As silly as it may sound to some of you, I did feel some sort of loyalty towards my FWB. Ugh, and realistically, having another guy in the mix – I couldn’t think of anything worse! It would only mean having an additional thing to think about. Plus I’m too much of an honest person and do have morals! Maybe this was all in my head but my goodness… my brain was overloaded with thoughts.

Anyway, I decided to put dating on the back-burner but soon realised that I was becoming too attached to my FWB (oh God, here we go), and this is how I knew: I started to get annoyed with him about stupid things like… not making me a priority, not coming to this museum or that new restaurant with me, him not staying the night! Then I was pissed off about the fact that I wasn’t dating other guys due to my “loyalty” to him. Then I got frustrated because I was completely confused about this situationship! …Of course, I chose not to be vocal about any of it. I had to put myself in my place and remind myself that:

1. I wasn’t his girlfriend
2. He never asked me to be loyal
3. I was allowing this situationship to continue

In conclusion, I needed to get a fucking grip and stop being ridiculous – so it was time to pull back.

…Only I didn’t pull back because I flipped out on him instead (with good reason, I like to think?)

One Saturday, I was with my friends, he was with his. We agreed to spend the evening together at his place. I drove down to the house (a little bit late), dropped him a text but did he even respond?! No. I gave the guy another 10 minutes. Nothing. My assumption was that he was probably still galavanting out and about with his friends. He didn’t even message me the next morning! I was livid and took the opportunity to call it quits right there and then. That bastard needed to be blocked. Okay, perhaps I shouldn’t of “assumed” anything… but I didn’t give a damn at this point, I wanted out. We were 6 months deep, and this FWB situationship was not bringing out my good side – it had to end.

Jumping the (situation)ship

We didn’t speak for a couple of months, he did text me a “Merry Christmas!” and a “Happy New Year!” but I ignored him. Then one day out of nowhere, we randomly bumped into each other on the street! Awkward!!! Well actually… it wasn’t awkward one bit. It felt like we were back to being good friends again. We spoke about work, holidays, family, general chit chat, joked around, he made sure I still had his number (lol!) and from there, we continued our friendship as normal. We even discussed why we fell out/what had happened, cleared the air and remained cordial up until this day!

It’s a peculiar one because once I decide to end things, no matter what the circumstance, I want them out of my life for good. I cut ties, block them on all platforms, get rid of their shit and couldn’t care less from there onwards. The FWB situation was very different, and it’s because the friendship was so key, and was always the priority. Yes, I was pissed off near the end but he was never the issue. Whilst we both knew it was never a conventional romantic relationship, the FWB arrangement was exclusively between us and so we had the element of respect and trust towards each other.

Having a FWB was a great experience but it’s not as cut and dry as you’d think, especially if you’re someone who is more inclined to having long term relationships. I admit, I like the idea of romance, stability and commitment. I like a guy showing affection in public and vice versa. If I find myself developing feelings for someone, I wouldn’t want to hold back because of the boundaries put in place. Above all, it’s not worth the hassle to be in your head all the time, feeling anxious or irritated, trying to figure out how to act, what to say and so on.

Looking back, I’d say I was quite lucky to share the experience with this particular friend. It was one of the most fun and exciting periods in my dating history. Him being attractive obviously helped massively (haha!) but having common interests, the same sense of humour, same values and mindset, made it all the more enjoyable.

Would I consider having a FWB again? Nah, count me out. I have no desire to explore that ground again. I don’t have any regrets but I know it’s not for me. For the sake of my sanity, I would rather avoid placing myself in problematic situations; I already find normal relationships a ball ache! Time and experiences like these have aided me in recognising what I want and what I definitely don’t want.

If you are currently in a FWB “relationship”, then I hope you know where to draw the line. Otherwise, if you find yourself acting up, similar to the way I did; then my suggestion would be to take the other option – abandon ship and salvage the friendship!


Basically the ideal FWB relationship is one where people enjoy sex, live close to each other and have a genuine interest in the happenings of the other person but are still too wrapped up in themselves to worry about the other person.

– Taken from an article I read. Ain’t that the truth!

I would rather adjust to your absence than be frustrated by your presence.

Generally I’m a logical thinker but when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes it’s hard to override feelings and emotions. Even when you have the answers right in front of you. I met my last partner on OKCupid which was a pleasant surprise because that dating app is seriously trash! You find all sorts of people on there, I’d say it’s marginally better than Plenty of Fish (which is bloody horrendous!) – but to be fair, I only utilised OKCupid as fodder for my old dating blog.

Anyway, I wanted to give an account on my journey with this guy. I’ve tried my best to condense the story down but it’s difficult with the amount of drama that took place! This is a story of love, lies and deception.

To start with and for context, here’s some fluff around my dating history: I’m someone who doesn’t really have a “type” as such. For me it’s about personality and compatibility. Of course there needs to be an element of attraction towards the person (online dating is about swiping left or right based on photos after all) but looks and appearance are certainly not my priority. In my eyes, you can go from hot to fucking not in an instant if your personality sucks ass.

I started dating from when I was 16 and looking back, what I realised with most of my long-term relationships was that I always ended up being the alpha female… which is not a bad thing, it just wasn’t ideal with the guys I was dating at the time! The alpha female thing is likely due to the nature of my personality and upbringing. I have a lot of strong women with very bold personalities in my family. On the flip side, I also recognised that being young and naive once upon a time meant tolerating a lot of bullshit and excusing people’s absurd behaviours/attitudes.

Skipping a few years forward… I grew up, matured and like to think I have my head screwed on properly now. I embraced being free and single, it enabled me to enjoy my own company, spend quality time with family and friends, learn about myself, people and relationships. When I hit my mid-20s, I started to consider dating again (basically after retirement from clubbing!) I got into a relationship with a guy from work, it lasted just under a year, then broke that off as he was far too needy! I then remained single for 2 years (excluding the FWB situation… but I’ll discuss that drama in a separate post) and it was probably the most enjoyable 2 years of my life. Then I decided to get back on the dating scene once again… and a few swipes later, I met him.

*cue dramatic music*

When we matched and first spoke, we instantly clicked. After our first date, it became hours upon hours of talking, we had so much in common! He was super nice, charming, funny, very responsive, had an amazing career, close to his family, intelligent, held the same values… literally he was ticking all the boxes one by one. I won’t lie, in my head I was thinking, “wow, this might be the one!” – and anyone that knows me, knows that I don’t even believe in that crap! Let me tell you now. Ticking all the boxes??? It’s a myth and a big, fat red flag!

A few incredible dates later, we found ourselves naturally slipping into a relationship. The more time we spent together, the more boxes he continued ticking… (a myth!!!) he was chivalrous, romantic, thoughtful, generous, protective, always picked me up and dropped me home. Honestly, the list went on! I was treated like royalty and I’d never experienced any guy like this one. You know when you hear these stories about people meeting someone online and the next thing you know, they’re all settled down, married with kids? That is some serious luck right there… but the way our relationship was going, I really thought I may have been one of those lucky people. On top of that, I don’t even like the idea of marriage or kids, but with him, it felt so different. We were in tune with each other on every level, I could only describe what we had as a soulmate kind of connection. Or what felt like it at the time!

So at this point, dating apps were obviously a thing of the past, love was in the air, we were happy, the future was becoming a topic of discussion, everything was fantastic!

Until they weren’t.

Almost 4 months in, my gut instinct suddenly started to kick in out of nowhere. Something felt odd. The thing about my intuition is that I can never tell if it’s actually intuition or I’m confusing it with paranoia (occasionally happens when my brain decides to overthink/over analyse). It was around 1:00am on a Saturday, I really struggled to sleep… I was up thinking about how vague he had been with some of his responses in our conversations and how he had no presence at all on social media. Before you say anything, yes – most people would say that’s a red flag (not having any social media) but I personally know people who aren’t fond of it so I kind of get it if there’s a preference to live your life in private. However, this feeling was not going away, so I had to do some research…

Not long later, there it was. Looking right at me. A photo of him, a woman (his ex, I presumed) and a child. I also found out a few other things he failed to mention.

After this fucking bombshell, I had to give myself a couple of hours to absorb the information and figure out how I was going to approach it. Ugh, the audacity!! Not only did I tell him from the first date that men with children was one of my deal breakers, but I also cannot stand dishonesty. Nonetheless, remaining calm and collected was the only way to be at this moment.

Around 6:00am, we spoke over the phone. I called him out. He chose to deny having a child at first (wow), then admitted it, then had the cheek to try and get me off the phone. But I gladly did because I was fucking knackered and couldn’t be asked to hear any more of his shit! To think he had referred to his son as his “nephew” before I found out. How wrong is that?!

A couple of days later with no contact, he wanted to talk face to face and lay all his cards out on the table. I gave him the opportunity to say his piece. He confessed to many things including his child, his living situation, the situation with his ex, some stuff about his family, blocking me on social media to prevent me from finding out!!! He then went on to explain why he lied and pleaded for forgiveness. I asked him whether there was anything else to reveal, he said no. Then I had done the most unexpected, out of character move – I gave him another chance. Yes! I know.

I admit, my “weakness” is that I have a lot of empathy for people which means I’m extremely forgiving and will always give a person the benefit of the doubt.

Now, with my trust at 0% and paranoia up at 100%, it was only ever gonna go in one direction right? Agreed. So what in the hell was I thinking giving him another shot? Heart over head… it happens, what else can I say? As time went by, we bickered a lot, I questioned him about his honesty, and every so often I’d ask if he had anything else to tell me. He swore on mine and his child’s life that that there wasn’t anything left to tell. He promised he’d never lie again. Then guess what? I found out he was lying…again. This time about something as stupid, small and unnecessary as smoking. The craziest thing is that he repeated the same behaviour! Denied it, then admitted to it. Why? Why not just admit it? I never understood the smaller lies, it was completely mind boggling to me.

So to summarise his behaviour so far: he lied straight my face, he denied the truth, he broke his promises and happily said anything (i.e. swear on mine and his child’s life) to ensure he was in the clear.

Now is the part when you’ll cuss me down or express some form of disappointment because I gave him a 3rd and final chance 🤦🏻‍♀️ (final chance, believe me, it really was!)

As we continued our relationship, I noticed some changes in him. He was less vague, he seemed a lot more comfortable, he was very open with everything and I could see he was working hard to earn my trust back. After so much tension and negative energy between us, it kind of felt like things were slowly starting to improve. We spent more time together, we took lovely trips away, we were laughing a lot more, it felt like “us” again. Unfortunately this didn’t last very long… because something else started bothering me.

I hadn’t met any of his friends or family yet! He always discussed introducing me, he even gave me dates but it never came to fruition. He pushed the date back then would always try to avoid discussing or cut the conversation short whenever I brought the topic up. Naturally, my suspicions were turned on full blast and my intuition was kicking in again. Was this motherfucker married? Engaged? What the fuck was he hiding now?

New Years Eve – we argued. After a weekend away – we argued. It was getting extremely tiring. My patience was wearing thin and I was fed up of having this constant feeling of paranoia/anxiety/irritation. A day after one of our arguments, I’m not sure what came over me (but I’m almost certain it was the power of prayer), I decided to do some further research on him. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He was lying about his age the whole damn time.

At his point, I finally took off those rose tinted glasses! This was the moment my brain found its way back into my head and I had the biggest epiphany you could ever imagine. It was like all the things I was in denial about suddenly surfaced and overflowed to the top. The mask had dropped… and this manipulative, insecure, controlling, mentally unstable and selfish person was revealed. Who the hell was this guy??? I felt sorry for him if anything. And as crazy as it sounds, I even started to feel curious. With my interest in human behaviour and psychology – I found myself Googling things like: “Signs of a pathological or compulsive liar” and “What causes people to be pathological or compulsive liars” – it was very interesting! Oh and by the way… I obviously done all this research after I broke up with him!

Of course, I ended things immediately. I dropped the text and blocked him. I didn’t want to see the guy, I didn’t want to speak to the guy, I didn’t want to give him a chance to explain. I just needed this toxic energy out of my life for good.

A couple days later, I got a text from a random number. It was a request to unblock him so he could arrange something. I already knew what he was going to say. I had one of his hoodies at mine and he wanted it back. Of course he did. 🙄
The arrangement was that I’d leave it in a bag outside my house at 8:30pm and he’d come and collect it. Great, sorted! I blocked him again. Except that he wanted to be spiteful towards me… so I received another text with attitude and pure rudeness. He stated that he was going to return all my gifts and cards. I told him to throw it all in the bin but he insisted on giving them back to me. Sure, whatever. I’ll throw it in the bin myself then. I can’t say I really cared too much at this point. Although, I did care about my own safety so I had to call in some muscle (aka. a couple of my guy friends) to protect me! LOL! I mean… I did’t really know who he was anymore so I wasn’t sure what he’d be capable of! Anyway, he took his hoodie back, I took the bag of stuff (which came with an apology letter) and no one got hurt – thankfully!

The next morning, I received a text. It was only him again. This time he was acting erratic. He wanted my gifts and cards back. 🙄🙄🙄 He’s lucky I hadn’t throw them away yet! I told him to stop acting crazy, sent one final (firm but fair) message and gave him a window to take the stuff back. He sent me a very, very long text, I read it a few times and then deleted it… along with everything else that reminded me of him. I shredded all his cards, deleted photos of us, threw stuff in the bin. Oh, I forgot to mention – in the text, he asked me to meet him on a certain day, at a certain time and place. I know what he was doing… it was a manipulative move from him to say the least. I never showed up. I’m the kind of person that when I say I’m done. I’m done. It would be a miracle if you think you could change my mind.

3 weeks had gone by since the break up, I came home from work one day and saw a letter posted through my door. He requested to meet me again. I figured I may as well tell him to his face… perhaps he’ll get the message then. We met, he spoke mostly… and I was very direct about how I felt. It was a long night. He asked me to give him a final chance and to think about it. A couple days later, I told him where I was at.

In summary, I was over it all. I wanted us both to move on. I forgave him and wished him well but there was no chance of reconcilliation. I had nothing left for him. No love, no respect, no trust. I told him that he needed to sort his head out, find happiness within, start being honest with people and set himself free. I asked that he never contacted me again.

And that was the chapter closed. I’ve never heard from him since.


Lessons learned

It wasn’t until this relationship that I truly understood the power of honesty/dishonesty. I’ve been lied to before but never to this extent. I’ve always been an honest person, bar the little white lies before (but who doesn’t tell little white lies?) I can’t express how being upfront and honest saves you so much time and energy! Why on earth would someone chose to put themselves through the process of lying then having to remember and keep up with all of their wild stories. It’s an effort! And how can people lie with so much ease – not feeling any guilt or remorse for the other party involved. There’s no morals whatsoever.

This relationship was definitely a “whirlwind romance” – it came as fast as it had gone, but as I’ve said, I always learn, and in this case, I’ve taken away an incredible amount. Call it a blessing in disguise. I’m thankful I got myself out sooner than later, had I not followed my intuition, I would still be with him and he would still be lying to me right this second.

I felt at ease walking away knowing that I tried, I gave it my all, I never lost my composure and that my intentions were always pure. I’m proud of myself for knowing my value and worth and I’m happy that I put my needs and mental wellbeing first. In hindsight, I should have left from when I discovered the first lie as it was major! But obviously, when you’re in your feelings, things do become blurred. Unfortunately for some, it leads to so much damage! Situation like these can take its toll on your confidence, happiness, other relationships, lifestyle and health (physical/mental). I’ve seen and heard it happen with many people – cases that were a lot worse than mine! When you settle and/or accept certain behaviours, you end up sacrificing yourself by going through absolute hell and back, then once you’re back, you spend a lot of time in your head trying to convince yourself it’ll get better… and the cycle continues.

My experience from being with a compulsive liar has helped me realise what early red flags to look out for (and hopefully I won’t need to even consider red flags in future). It’s important to follow your intuition, always be honest as a person (it’ll make life easier), always forgive no matter what (you owe yourself freedom) and never give up hope. There really are so many people out there that will fit the bill! Never change your goal posts for others, never settle for less than what you deserve. Make sure you talk to friends and family – because they will be your eyes when you’re unable to see clearly. As a final note from me…

Life is far too short to waste time and energy on things, situations or people that don’t serve you. And trust me when I say that self-love is the first step to finding true love and happiness.


6 strikes

About 2 years ago, I matched with some guy on Coffee Meets Bagel. He wasn’t bad looking, he seemed like a nice, genuine guy over text and the phone. About a week into talking, we agreed to meet up after work at 6:30pm for a couple of drinks. Kudos to him for picking such a great venue (FYI: https://barnightjar.com). I arrived right on time but couldn’t see him, so gave the guy a buzz to find out where he was… only to realise, he was standing a few feet from me. Ohhh.

Strike 1

Turns out he looked… rather different to his photos. Alright calm down people, I wasn’t catfished per se but clearly the photos he chose to use on his profile were throwbacks from the 00s! After a deep breath and saying “Jesus Christ!” repeatedly in my head, I unenthusiastically approached and said “Hey. Nice to meet you.” — Ugh. He goes in for hug.

Strike 2

First impressions are important right? Plus it’s a date, I expect people to make half an effort? Now, I’m going to sound a little mean here but I would like to know why he decided to show up in wrinkled chinos, a tatty shirt, some dusty looking brown shoes and a wrinkled (again) linen blazer.

We went downstairs to the bar and were seated at the table. He seemed a little nervous… in fact he was nervous because at this point he had knocked over the drinks menu and the water on the table – not to mention some of it spilling into my bag. Christ Almighty! I felt a little bad for him. So in attempt to put him at ease, I started making conversation and cracked a couple of jokes. Phew, at least I got him laughing, hopefully he’ll feel less ner–

Strike 3

It was time to reel in the jokes. I couldn’t help but divert my attention to his teeth! I know people, I know! Now I sound like an asshole. I’m not saying I have the best set of teeth but his chompers looked like he had been chewing on rocks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They were sharp, fang-like and to put it politely, it was dental chaos! I couldn’t believe my eyeballs.

With zero attraction to this guy and an unimpressive start to the date, I planned to stick around for another 30 minutes out of politeness. So after ordering my whisky on rocks (much needed), I thought I’d make some general chit chat and asked: “So how have you found the dating apps? Any interesting experiences so far?” – I wish I had never asked.

His response was: “Well, I always find dating difficult because…” *he starts to whisper* (weird!) “I haven’t told you this yet… but I have a 10 year old daughter and people are always put off when I tell them that.” 

Strike 4

*sigh* Now I understand some women wouldn’t have an issue with this, but for me, it’s a deal breaker. Personally I feel that these vital pieces of information should be displayed on your profile. Had I known beforehand, I certainly wouldn’t of agreed to meet up with him, let alone match. It’s a waste of my time.

As you can imagine, I couldn’t get out of the bar quick enough. We finally decide to leave, and after him assessing the bill for 10 minutes (there were only 4 bloody drinks on there) we went dutch in the end (I’m over it). We walked out of the venue and with relief, I said: “Well my station is this way, nice to meet you.”

It doesn’t end there – we’re only on Strike 4

Strike 5

Like a 4 word horror story, he goes and says: “Let me walk you.” So I told him “No, it’s fine, it’s not far, I’ll be alright.” But he insisted and started walking me to the station. Arghh! I had my arms crossed while walking, keeping a good distance between us. Suddenly out of nowhere, this guy had the audacity to close the gap and attempt to hold my hand! At this point I was shock and utterly baffled. I pulled my hand away immediately saying “Erm, could you not do that?” – he quickly apologised.

Strike 6

It was a silent and awkward walk back to the station but finally we made it. That horrendous 7 minute walk felt like 45. I abruptly said “bye”, he then came towards me for a hug claiming he had a great time and asked: “When are we doing this again?”

He has remained on my block list since.