Life lessons we can learn from SATC’s Samantha Jones.

One of the best series during the late 90s through to early 00s in my opinion, and if you weren’t a fan then you surely must have heard about it? For those who have no idea what I’m on about, well… I’m a little disappointed ☹️, but in a nutshell, Sex and the City (SATC) explores New York city’s dating scene, where four sassy friends, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha are in search of love, romance, long-lasting relationships and sex!

One character in particular was portrayed as fiercely independent and the queen of openness. We could always rely on Samantha Jones to bring humour to the show with her witty and uncensored comments – my fave character and spirit animal for sure! From sex to self-confidence, there are a few seeds of wisdom that we can learn from the most outrageous member of the SATC foursome.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS. NO BS.
A woman with no filter. She doesn’t mince words and it doesn’t mean that she’s overly opinionated or rude, it just means she’s confident in her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions and isn’t afraid to share them with the world.

PUTTING YOUR NEEDS FIRST.
One of her most iconic lines. This quote reminds us that it’s okay to be selfish and there’s nothing wrong with looking out for number one… ourselves!

NEVER JUDGING ANYONE FOR THE CHOICES THEY MAKE.
No matter what choices, no matter what anyone is going through. Simply being there for someone without saying a word is enough.

NOT CONFORMING TO THE NORM.
As long as you’re feeling happy and satisfied with your status, why change what’s working by complicating things?

NO ONE IS PERFECT.
It’s good to challenge your ignorance and look beyond the man with the perfect looks, A-grade sex, great sense of humour, amazing career, family orientated, chivalry and all the other qualities on your list. Everyone is flawed, so the better they are at hiding it, the faster you need to run.

ALWAYS MAKE THE EFFORT TO LOOK YOUR BEST. BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR OWN SKIN.
Age, size, weight – who cares? You better wear your outfits with confidence.

FORGET THE PAST AND MOVE ON.
Don’t dwell or overanalyse things that can’t be undone. Keep it moving and never have regrets because they all help in getting where you are now.

THERE ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN FINDING THE RIGHT GUY.
Don’t waste your life searching for the perfect man. Go enjoy yourself instead. Hair, nails, wax, massage, exercise… whatever you want.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND DON’T APOLOGISE FOR IT.
Okay, I’m not always right… just most of the time.

CHILDREN AREN’T FOR EVERYONE.
What’s wrong with enjoying life, looking good with a couple of dogs for the rest of your life?

AND FUCK Y’ALL BITCHES. 🖕🏼

Sure she was unconventional but of the four she seemed to know who she was and what she wanted the most. I love that!
So here’s to Samantha Jones 🥂🍾

“50 and fabulous!”

Dear broke people, we are not obligated to date you.

Alright go easy on me! I know what you’re thinking. You read the title and suddenly I’m a bad person because I sound shallow or portrayed myself like some gold digger. Well no, that’s not the case…

According to a study I recently read, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and most of them cite financial stress as a primary cause of separation. While I wholeheartedly agree that money does not define happiness nor does it overrule everything in life, the simple truth is: we work to earn money, and we need money to live. In this post I’ll be giving a very brief account on two of my past relationships where both guys were financially unstable and how it caused a lot of friction between us. There was…

Relationship #1 – gambler
Relationship #2 – no drive/ambition in life (dreamer)

I’ll then move on to discuss why I think money is not the most important factor in relationships but it’s certainly not irrelevant! Discussing money in relationships can be a touchy subject for many. I’ve had guy friends who jump on the defence when the topic comes up in conversation. Clearly I’ve bruised an ego or two with my opinions, however I won’t be stepping on eggshells because of sensitivity.

There’s a reason why “gambling” is a deal breaker for me. By gambling, I don’t mean popping into a casino once in a while and chucking 50 quid in a slot machine. It’s when you continue to gamble despite negative consequences. I once dated someone who claimed they’d “occasionally gamble” but through time I caught on to the fact that “occasionally” was quite a downplay on reality. I was 19 at the time but I remember he would randomly buy me gifts out of nowhere, treat me to fancy lunches and dinners, bought himself a new car, the latest smarthphone, a massive flat screen TV and more… sure, it was all very lovely, but I wondered how on earth was he able to afford all this?

The Gambler

Then one day, he asked if he could borrow money off me (not exactly a small sum), and that he’d give it back on pay day. Considering I was still in university and had a part-time job, it was a bit of an ask! But I didn’t think much of it at the time and gave it to him. You can probably guess where this is all going but to summarise: no he didn’t pay me back on pay day, yes I did end up lending him more money, yes I ended up footing some bills for him (overdrafts included), yes he booked a couple holidays for us but I ended up covering the costs, yes we argued crazy amounts, yes I stopped being an ATM machine, and yes I did get some of the money back at the very end of the relationship. Not that it even mattered at that point!

The Dreamer and his pity party

Moving on to Relationship #2. Well… at first it was his personality that stood out for me. I admired his charm, humour and creative flair. More than anything, I enjoyed hearing him talk about his life goals, hopes and ambitions. I admired his “drive”, especially knowing that his family were far from affluent. The problem was that most of what he said ended up being all talk and no action. A “dreamer” is probably the best word to describe him. He was so out of touch with reality, he wanted to achieve all this, that and the other…. but didn’t want to put in the work — for anything! When he lost his job, I found myself repeating history yet again! Feeling sorry for him, thinking I can help get his life back on track, eventually paying for his lifestyle. The worst part was that I was (stupidly) funding his weed addiction! The least he could do to help himself was amend his CV and start job hunting… he wouldn’t even do that?! It was only a matter of time where I got real sick and tired his attitude. He had no enthusiasm for anything, no motivation, no thought for the future let alone the next 24 hours. Just a bunch of self-pity and blame. I had an inkling he may have suffered from depression… but either way, the negative energy was not something I wanted to be around or dragged into. I dated him for quite a while but it was very obvious we were not on the same page at all!

Zero F’s to give

Dating a person with any form of addiction is emotionally draining, costly and everyday can feel like a repetitive cycle. The worst thing is when you attempt to help them, and in doing so, you end up losing your sense of self. It’s important to realise that love does not “conquer” all, and it definitely cannot conquer addiction.

With both not having a penny to their names, spending more than they could earn and having absolutely no consideration for the long term. Their mindsets certainly helped me realised what I wouldn’t be able to tolerate in a relationship. I promised myself that I would never pay for someone’s lifestyle ever again. In other words, I really couldn’t see myself dating someone who was financially unstable. Getting people’s shit together and managing their finances is not and will never be my responsibility. Sometimes life can be unpredictable, and I get that a sudden loss of a job is not in our control but what happens next is something that does fall in our hands.

Money is definitely not everything, but it is an important aspect in life. Most of us have hobbies, some form of social life and hopefully life goals that we want to achieve. Whether it’s going out to bars, restaurants, going on holiday, buying nice clothes, going for beauty treatments, reading books, buying/owning a property, investing, starting a business, getting married, having children… they all ultimately require a stable flow or income to obtain and maintain the lifestyle. And if you’re looking to build a future with someone while retaining some of these lifestyle choices then you’re gonna need to find someone who shares the same mentality.

From “DTR” to “DTF”. This is your 2020 Dating Dictionary.

Swiping your way to be the real thing, or next fling, has left many people understandably bamboozled and frustrated. However, it doesn’t need to be that way. As the dating landscape has evolved, so has the language; especially when we’re focusing on the language of millennials. So to help navigate your way through the modern dating world, I’ve collated a handy little list on some of the latest terms, phrases and acronyms.

Benching
Think of sports. When you’re on the bench, you’re not actually playing but you’re still on the team, ready and waiting… until the coach decides to bring you back into play – which might not happen. The person who chose to bench someone will make minimal effort to keep you as an available option. This means a few texts here and there, making plans to meet up that never come to fruition.

Breadcrumbing
Now I don’t know if this dating tactic is slightly “better” or worse than “Ghosting”. Either way, it’s a term used when someone is doing exactly what I’ve described in my last two sentences above. Think morsels of bread… a trail of them. Each morsel representing a tiny slice of attention, ie. likes on Instagram photos, maybe a comment if you’re lucky, sporadic flirty text messages, making vague plans with you, setting up a date and cancelling, appears then reappears weeks later like nothing, usually an individual that’s all talk and no action. Breadcrumbs are for the birds – and you’re not one of them!

Catfishing
Personally I find this one creepy. It is the act of someone creating a fake profile to trick people into thinking they are somebody else. This sort of deception can be extremely damaging for victims. The dangers of being catfished include being tricked into a false relationship, fraud, extortion and cyberbullying among others. These people clearly have issues.

Cushioning
I’d describe this like… taking out insurance on your relationship incase it doesn’t work out and you’re scared of being alone. In essence, you’re creating a “cushion” for yourself to fall on. It can be one or several cushions. The tactic is getting people interested in you by having a chat or flirt, you’re building them up and giving them hope that something may occur in the future. Those who fall in the trap don’t even realise that there’s another person in the picture in the first place. It’s dishonest, disrespectful, and it’s something that emotionally insecure people do.

DTF
Down to Fuck. Need I say anymore?

DTR
Define the Relationship

FWB
Friends with Benefits

Gaslighting
It’s a form of psychological manipulation that causes the other party to question or doubt his or her sanity, feelings and judgment. The warning signs are hard to pick up early on but generally the people who do the gaslighting will be habitual and pathological liars. They will blatantly lie to your face and never back down or change their stories even when you call them out. They will also shift blame, twist conversations and be sweet when they want to smooth over a bad situation that they’ve caused. Sickos.

Ghosting
Now you see me, now you don’t. A person who ghosts will simply disappear from a relationship, or even a potential relationship with no explanation because it’s a quick and easy way out. No drama, no questions asked, no need to justify their behaviour, no need to deal with someone else’s feelings. Which brings me to the next term…

Haunting
When the person who was initially ghosting comes back to haunt you. The audacity! Out of nowhere, they’ll (usually) slide into your DMs on social media and hit you up with the “Hey stranger!” bollocks – they just want to remind you they’re still there and very much alive. 😒

Kittenfishing
I’d describe this as a low-grade version of “Catfishing”. This person is excellent at presenting themselves unrealistically on their dating profile. With their skilled use of Adobe Photoshop, they’ll put up their heavily edited or upload old ass, throwback photos. They might lie about their age, height, lifestyle… all to seem more appealing to their matches.

So there you have it! The lingo of online dating, in a nutshell. Noticeably more absurd words and phrases are being introduced to explain each and every terrible occurrence. I’m sure there’s a good handful of jargon missing from my list (I think I’ve barely scratched the surface) but nonetheless I hope you found this post useful, if not amusing!

COVIDeo dating so far…

While we’re all practising social distancing, we’re certainly not disconnected. From what I’ve seen, read, heard and experienced so far, it’s quite obvious that people are feeling quite lonely, a little stir-crazy and rather lecherous (I think that’s an alternative for “horny” (?)<— sorry, I dislike that word).

Until further notice we’re all living under house arrest, we’re now finding ourselves in a situation that has prompted getting glam for the cam, FaceTime happy hours, virtual game nights, synced cooking and synced Netflix viewings. With that said, I think dating in isolation during a pandemic actually has some positives! When it all started kicking off, I was receiving less sleazy messages from guys that I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole, and more messages with collective concern and care (genuine or not… who knows!) But naturally because of what’s happening in the world right now, people are deeply connected and affected so we instantly have something in common to talk about. I’m finding that this topic (although I’m pretty much over it) has become an easy conversation starter, so you very quickly learn if someone is a pessimist or an optimist, what their hobbies are outside of the usual “Food, Travel, Skiing, Hiking, Exploring” 🙄 yawn! Even their political views to an extent.

Looking at the more humorous side of things; cheesy chat up lines will 99% of the time make me immediately swipe left (that is, after I’ve taken a screenshot and shared it with my friends!) People are evidently getting much more creative which I’ve found rather amusing. Yes, Coronavirus chat up lines have arrived in full force. Singletons, if you’re in need of inspiration, why don’t you try one of these for size…

“Are you Coronavirus? Because you are simply breathtaking!”
“If Coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“You are way out of my league but I have spare toilet roll if that helps?”
“Wanna make plans together and cancel them?”
“I have rubbers… and I don’t just mean gloves.”

Before the pandemic, I had never even thought about a virtual date before. Of course my preferred route would be to meet up in person but I figured I may as well give it a go… I’m pretty open minded and realistically, what choice do we have right now?

Prior to COVIDeo date #1, I had a few reservations/concerns… like, “how does this shit actually work?”, “this is going to be weird and awkward!”, “is dressing up necessary?”, “what should I wear?”. In the end, I decided to treat it like a normal date as if I were going out (basically an opportunity for me wear something cute! Yay!)

Thankfully the guy was proper cool, and, similar to me… as in he was a total motormouth which kept the conversation flowing nicely. Surprisingly I felt comfortable straight away, we had a good laugh and there was absolutely no awkwardness… apart from the fact that I was very aware he was drinking wine and there’s me with a 1L bottle of Lucozade in my hand! Haha! …What can I say, it was a long week at work and I had minimal sleep! Overall it was a really pleasant date that lasted about 3 hours.

I’ve only had 3 COVIDeo dates so far which is not exactly a huge sample size but the thing that has stood out for me was the stripping back of the social environment you’d normally get in a bar/restaurant. Being able to simply enjoy talking to one another, having things to share despite the fact that there’s no physical element is a really good sign!

Some of you may want to put dating on hold until we’re out of this phase, which is fair enough. But for those of you who are still keen to date, I’d highly recommend giving virtual dating a go. I totally understand that it’s frustrating getting to know someone, creating a bond but not being able to see them in physical form. Nonetheless I think this temporary way of dating provides a chance for people to take things slow, get to know each other on a deeper level and build a connection. Can I add that it also helps expedite the process of weeding out time wasters.

I suppose the big “unknown” from all of this is whether the connection built in the virtual world will translate in real life. But if you’re being your authentic self, then I don’t see why it wouldn’t? We still have a good few weeks of lockdown ahead of us, so my advice is to just enjoy it for what it is. Let’s hope some of this new openness, attention and follow-through will stay with us when we finally re-emerge out of our homes and back out into the world.

The unspoken “rules” of dating.

“I think I’ll wait an hour to text back. That way, I won’t seem too eager.”
“I initiated the conversation yesterday, so he/she can initiate today.”
“I’m not going to send multiple messages, I refuse to look desperate.”
“I won’t send paragraphs my response, that shows I’m too interested!”
“Be sure not to kiss on a first date!”
“At least wait until 4th date to have sex!”
“Fuck that, I’ll wait 3 days and then I’ll call them.”
“Time to give them the silent treatment.”
“Shall I follow up or shall I wait for them to do it?”

Sound familiar? Then you must have participated in a few “dating games”… it’s all too common these days and absolute BS. Honestly, someone who chooses plays games with you is not the kind of person you want to be with. It’s a sign that they’re not really being authentic in their dating life — and no grown-ass person has time for that.

But why?

It’s one of the most exhausting parts of dating, so why do many people choose to do it? Well… I’m here to share my thoughts. Disclaimer: I’ve been the game “player” before and have also been the victim! Both sides were not particularly enjoyable. Based on my observation and experience, I would say that game playing usually boils down to 3 things:

1. To manipulate
2. For the chase/challenge
3. To avoid being in a vulnerable position

Notice how all of the above involve some form of self gain? When you’re the “player”, you feel like you have all the power and are in total control, but in reality it’s a complete facade. I guarantee you won’t achieve anything apart from feeling confused, fed up and frustrated. Games don’t last… whether it’s you or them – someone will get bored eventually and throw in the towel. It’s just a question of when.

If your biggest concern is always having the upper hand, then you’re clearly not in the right headspace or at a maturity level for a relationship. Either way, you need to ask yourself why being in that position is so important to you. Is it for an ego boost? Self justification? To feel secure? Relationships thrive on vulnerability and being able to let your guard down. The whole “winning” aspect isn’t the right approach when it comes to feelings and emotions. Besides how do you “win”, when it comes to matters of the heart? You can’t expect to get close to someone when you’re busy strategising on how to manipulate them.

Games people play.

Having been the game player before as well as being on the receiving end, I’ll briefly take you through some of the most popular scenarios. Let’s start with “who can act like they care the least”. How ironic is it that the less you engage with someone you’re interested in, the more power you possess. So what happens if both people involved are too good at this game? I guess you run the risk of never seeing how the relationship could progress. In all areas of our lives, we should learn embrace vulnerability instead of avoiding it. Taking your guard down shows that you’re human, relatable, and allows other people to see the real you. In friendships, romantic relationships, and families, it’s easier to appreciate someone who is honest with themselves and with others. This means relationships can grow organically.

The second scenario is “playing hard to get” – which kind of ties in with “who can act like they care the least”. It’s a way to screen prospective suitors or to discover whether someone is being sincere. But I’ll warn you now… if it continues for too long, the technique fails. Playing hard to get is basically an illusion of confidence and control, but let’s face it – what we really want is to text whenever we feel like it, tell someone when we want to see them next and be straight up when we’re in our feelings.

Lastly we have “the chase”. The person being chased wants to see how far backwards they can make the other bend. Meanwhile, the person doing the chasing just wants to do whatever it takes to win their “trophy”. Personally, I think this sounds rather shit. For some, the pursuit of the chase is more enticing and rewarding than the actual relationship itself… hence why as soon as they’ve got you hook, line and sinker, they let go and move on to the next bait. Reasons for doing this might be for an ego stroke, to feel some sort of accomplishment, the feeling of dominance, maybe they’re after one thing… to put it bluntly, they are all reasons that don’t concern you!

B****, you thought.

It can take a bit of time to figure out who the “players” are. Some people are so good at putting up smoke and mirrors it’s like second nature. I guess games aren’t so bad if you’re not particularly interested in monogamous relationships… as long as you’re both willing to play. Although I still think it’s a pointless exercise.

Maybe it’s time we stop with the games and start looking at the defensive mechanisms we’ve installed. Are these games more helpful or more harmful? If we’re grown adults, then we need to act accordingly and take charge. We need to be brave and get better at being upfront about feelings and expectations. I get that not everyone is able to be direct and honest – it takes time, confidence and courage. If we work towards being more open then we can start developing more genuine, fruitful relationships.

Dating is supposed to be exciting, not a minefield. There will always be an element of risk but the quicker you nip things in the bud, the better chance you have to find someone who is actually on your wavelength. If you notice your interest is displaying inconsistent and unreliable behaviour then call them out on it. Don’t be scared! You don’t have to be player #2. And if the behaviour continues… well that’s okay too! Just don’t forget to shut the door on your way out.

I’m going leave you with these iconic words (with the video) from Prince:

I can’t be played. A person trying to play me plays themselves.