Giving so much for so little?

Every relationship requires give-and-take between two people, this simply means both parties investing in each other and both getting something back from the relationship. However if one person is doing all the giving and the other just takes, then it isn’t a relationship… at least not a fulfilling one. Have you ever gone above and beyond for a partner to realise that they’re not willing to try as hard as you are? Sadly, this dynamic can have disastrous effects on you.

When you’re naturally a giving person, you might end up falling into the trap of being in a one-sided relationship. There’s been times when I’ve had relationships start off really well (of it does, that’s why they call it the “honeymoon” phase), then suddenly I feel like I’m “carrying” the weight of the relationship, putting in way more effort in terms of resource (time, money, emotional investment). I’ve tackled this situation in two different ways; firstly by raising my concerns and waiting for things to get better, or secondly by “letting it slide” in hopes that things will improve (I really don’t recommend this!) Regardless of how I dealt with one-sided relationships, the end result was that I had to walked away. One thing I’ve learned overtime is: No matter how difficult you think it’ll be, you must let go of anything that doesn’t serve you/make you happy — relationships, people, jobs, etc.

How do we know when we’re in a one-sided relationship?

It sounds like a question with an obvious answer but when people are emotionally invested, they can lose sight of what’s actually happening. Out of nowhere those rose tinted glasses just fall onto our eyes, blur our vision and we start falling for “potential” rather that what’s presented in front of us. According to Kelly Campbell, a professor of psychology and human, you should look out for these signs:

ALL THE EFFORT IS COMING FROM YOU
When you find yourself doing most or all of the cooking, cleaning, planning dates, making all the romantic gestures, it’s an indication that the relationship is unequal. Make a mental note (or an actual note) on how time is spent, including who does what. This will give you a better understanding of the extent of the one-sidedness.

LACK OF QUALITY TIME TOGETHER
Everyone has busy schedules. We all need to allocate time towards career aspirations, family and friends, our romantic partners, and ourselves. Often it’ll feel like a challenge to get the balance right, but if you’re frequently suggesting “date night” to your partner and they show no interest or put it off for another time… this isn’t a great sign. A serious lack of “quality time” together can chip away at the partnership’s foundation, and ultimately compromise the level of happiness you feel when you’re together.

THEIR CALENDAR TAKES PRIORITY
If you’re constantly moving your commitments around or waiting until you know if your partner is available before you make other plans, then yes, this is another sign. You’ll feel like everything else is more important than you which shouldn’t be the case. If your partner only wants to see you when it suits them, then this displays imbalance in the relationship.

MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR PARTNER’S BEHAVIOUR
When you’re defending someone’s bad behaviour, it simply suggests that you’re compromising and sacrificing too much… of your dignity! Sadly we’ll lie to ourselves because we don’t want to face reality, or the truth is unbearable. Please don’t fool yourself by making excuses for them, your partner should be showing you the love and respect you deserve.

Well, I don’t know about you, but re-reading my post thus far makes me feel attacked and pretty upset! 😩☹️ It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that I’ve gone through the above bullshit, but I’m also thankful to God that I saw the light and found the courage to leave. If anyone is going through this current scenario, I urge you to read on and really think about your happiness above anything.

Before you decide to walk away…

One thing I go on about all the time is communication. Effective communication also involves the ability to listen to each other, understand and compromise. The issue with one-sided relationships is that more often that not, it’s just one partner initiating the talks. So when you do bring up the discussion, your partner may not respond favourably to the “problem.” Researchers have called this ‘demand-withdrawal’ which means one partner is initiating a discussion or requesting a change, while the other withdraws from the conversation. It’s always worth expressing how you feel before throwing in the towel. If your partner cares, then they’ll look to improve the balance and put in more effort, but if they don’t change after you’ve shared your concerns, then the partnership is likely not a good fit and you should consider moving on.

If the feelings are mutual, effort will be equal

Romantic relationships can be influential in many aspects of our lives, so when we stay in a unfulfilling relationship it can significantly impact our health and well-being. Balance in a relationship is so important, let’s use a set of scales as an analogy — when one side is putting in a lot more than the other, it will eventually tip and collapse.

Vulnerability: why we need to lean into discomfort.

Many people (myself included) find it incredibly difficult to be vulnerable, and judging from the numerous articles I’ve read, it seems to be a common fear. When we were young, we were carefree, rarely phased by anything; but over time factors such as our upbringing, our environment, our romantic relationships, our social circles gave us different experiences — both good and bad. Unfortunately at some point in life, people will hurt and disappoint us, so we end up building walls around our hearts to protect ourselves. At the same time, we’re unable to appreciate close relationships and intimacy… vulnerability is simply a double-edged sword. 

As humans we’re hardwired to connect with others. We live in families, we build families, we work in teams, we love as couples and thrive in friendships. It’s a scientific fact that our well-being is dependent on our connections. Yet more than ever, I’m witnessing more loneliness, more broken relationships, more disconnection… but what’s causing all of this? Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to new experiences, new people, and getting comfortable with uncertainty. It’s bloody terrifying but worth it, I trust that it creates many beautiful outcomes once you choose to receive with an open heart . The fact is, vulnerability is necessary. You can’t build genuine connections without it, but somehow society has turned it into a weakness.

I find it challenging expressing my emotions, I’m getting better but there’s still a lot of work to be done. I’ve previously been told that I’m cold or dead inside, that my wall is ridiculously high, and that I always keep people at arm’s length. Yeah… this is partially true (I don’t think I’m completely dead inside). In relationships, I try my best to communicate my feelings but sometimes I feel like it’s forced or I get extremely uncomfortable. When I’m hurt or upset, I tend to either shut down or choose to let that person go rather than let them in because it’s “safer” this way. I guess the good thing is that I recognise my issue and I’m making a conscious effort to improve on it.

Part of my resistance to vulnerability came from the fact that I’ve had toxic relationships, I’ve been a toxic person and I’ve attracted toxic people. Some of my relationships were very unhealthy, then there were others where I realised a compatibility issue. I don’t wish to relive any of these experiences but it’s hard to ignore the woes, and the fact that there’s an obvious recurring pattern of my relationships breaking down again and again. After tolerating a load of nonsense, I began viewing my “failed” relationships as a warning sign to pull back, build my wall even higher and go in fully armoured ready for the next “battle” (if there were to be a next). Clearly this was the wrong way to look at things. Relationships should never be seen as a war (and one that I wanted to win every single time)… perhaps I just got used to the toxicity. Anyway I eventually changed my mindset and saw it for what it was — simply a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning curve and a step towards personal growth.

“You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again, and expect different results.”

If you’re someone who also struggles with embracing vulnerability. I feel you. Being vulnerable is an ongoing process that we fine-tune over time. So as we take small steps together and slowly lean into the discomfort, here are some reminders on how being vulnerable can actually enhance our lives.

DEVELOPING EMPATHY FOR OTHERS
When I’m pissed off, it’s highly likely the other party will feel my wrath. However this usually lasts for a very short period; so when I’m calm again, my compassion kicks in and I try to see things from their perspective… even if I think they’re in the wrong! It’s so easy to judge people harshly, especially when pride and ego gets in the way, but learning to relax and allow ourselves to move out of our comfort zone plays a massive part in being vulnerable. We’ve all been guilty of getting so caught up in our own lives that we forget the world doesn’t revolve around our needs.

BE AT PEACE WITH YOUR PAST
Those who aren’t scared of being vulnerable have already made peace with negative memories from their past. We’ve all made bad decisions and mistakes but we can’t keep storing our energy there. Dwelling on the past means we’re not fully present. Likewise, we shouldn’t worry too much about the future. Living in the moment and appreciating all the amazing moments right now is what we need to be focusing on.

I AM WHO I AM
By accepting our qualities and our “flaws”, by feeling comfortable in our own skin; we’ll learn to accept all the things that make us special and unique. Being confident and our genuine self also allows us to attract the right kind of people in our lives.

BUILDING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Speaking of being your true self — vulnerability creates greater emotional (and physical) intimacy. Sure, this is relevant to romantic relationships but it’s just as important to drop your guard around friends and family as well. It’s what creates a deeper sense of love and understanding. For real connections to flourish we have to be brave enough to reveal all of our layers.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

– Brené Brown